Treatment Rapid White tooth-whitening system
Cost Starter kit, £8.35
Spa cost £20
Home time 10 minutes
Spa time 30 minutes
Being reasonably familiar, now, with home beauty kits, I doubt whether there is anything in the entire domestic spa catalogue as truly frightening as home tooth whitening. In concept and in practice.
When did teeth whitening first start, anyway? When I was growing up you encouraged dazzling teeth via the time-tested technique of brushing them.
Advertisement
Now brushing and flossing is clearly not enough, since there is an astonishing array of teeth-whitening kits to choose from in the average chemist. The routine goes thus.
First, you have to see how stained your teeth are, from a rather repellent colour chart provided in the kit. It is not unlike a Dulux paint graph and traverses the entire tooth colour route, which I now know goes from American tan (16) to double cream (1).
I hold it up against the Millard gnashers which, having grown up in England, are thoroughly snaggled and altogether natural. Yet thanks to my caffeine addiction, their colour leaves something to be desired.
In some lights they are No 2; in others, No 10. So, on with the whitening kit. Having seen that your teeth need whitening you then place the special whitening gel in a blue “mouth tray”. The reason for this preparation becomes apparent as soon as you embark on Step 2, applying rapid white accelerator pen to your teeth.
This is very wet and rather nasty. After which you are expressly not allowed to close your mouth but must shove in the prepared mouth tray full of gel and clamp down. Blimey! It’s sour, it’s sharp, it’s chemical, it’s simply disgusting. And it doesn’t look all that great, either. Think of Mike Tyson, plus a flick of that drooling monster from Alien, and you’re close.
Advertisement
Spend five minutes like this — at least. After which you whip off the mouth tray and spend the next ten minutes feverishly brushing off the gel with special whitening toothpaste. “Repeat the procedure morning and night,” suggests Rapid White. Only if your teeth are Shade 16, I’d say.
The entire procedure had me gagging into the basin. Afterwards, I was reasonably chuffed with the look, however. Shiny and desperately clean-feeling, my teeth looked rather smart. Doing it again, as required, the next morning I managed to terrify the entire family when issuing from the bathroom still wearing the mouth tray.
I don’t think the youngest Junior Millard has yet recovered. Frankly, I’d rather go for a bit more brushing of a morning, and leave it at that. Pass the espresso.
Advertisement
Home Spa summary Traumatic and hideous tasting
Do It again? Never
Verdict from Mr Millard: “Er, your teeth always look lovely, darling”