The house is now on the market, but the interior is, shall we say, rather chaotic. Would-be buyers have been horrified at the state of the rooms — if they can get into them. So I want to tidy up the place, and show it in a pristine condition. While renting it out on a short-term basis to a fanatically neat family. Otherwise I will have a £2,200 monthly mortgage bill without anything to cover it.
Which brings me to the second problem. Once the Young Ones have left, taking with them their large squishy sofas, plasma-screen TV, and several Helmut Newton- influenced posters of naked women, there isn’t much left to go round. This might be all right if John Pawson, the king of minimalism, were coming to stay, but I suspect most people will want a little more, particularly short-term renters.
“Unless you go for the unfurnished market and hope that you attract somebody who has sold their house and is waiting to move into another one and doesn’t want to put all their furniture into storage, you will have to have it absolutely fully furnished for a short let,” warns Virginia Skilbeck from the Douglas & Gordon agency in Chelsea. “China, glass, pillows, DVD player, everything. People might even expect a weekly maid service.”
Blimey. Things are going to have to change big-time before my house will be up to Virginia’s standard. As the terrifying spectre of a visit to Ikea gathers shape before my eyes, I wonder whether it might be cheaper to hire the furniture. That way, I won’t have to bother with the hideousness of assembling flat-packs as well as dumping the stuff come the Big Sale.
I call Julie Styne Home Furniture Rentals. “Hi!” says Julie. Where are you from, Julie? “Beverly Hills,” says La Styne with confidence. “Where renting furniture is HUGE.” Why? “Oh, you know LA. Everybody moves all the time.” So, what’s the deal with renting furniture? “The minimum is 12 weeks. We go into a house and can furnish it from top to bottom, from a cost of about £100 a week to £1,000 a week.
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Everything. Towels, flowers, mirrors. Our styles range from shabby chic to very contemporary stuff.”
I visit the Julie Styne website, which is full of immaculate photographs of divine Chelsea penthouses sporting chaise longues and standard lamps. Nothing looks in the least bit shabby. What happens if furniture gets damaged, I ask nervously.
“We have a deposit of one month’s rent, which would go against disasters such as bottles of red wine on white sofas. And you have to insure the contents under your own household insurance.”
I describe my house, its size, location and the sort of things I might need to Julie, who thinks that renting all the furniture for it might come to about £200 a week, for a minimum of three months. So, say £800 a month.
Next I call Steve Russell at Fully Furnished, whose slogan is “Just add people”, although one of its services doesn’t want them at all. “We do dress for sale,” says Russell. “This is a ‘Show Home Solution’, where we put furniture into a house with the aim of selling it, and have achieved an average of six to eight weeks’ success in selling a house.” That sounds good. “But you can’t live with this furniture.” Oh, why not? “Because it’s worth about £20,000.”
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If you insist on sullying your house with tenants, Fully Furnished will supply furniture for a minimum of two months. The Fully Furnished website can tot up an instant assessment of what you need, and give you an estimated cost. It certainly looks a lot easier than going round Ikea and, in my case, would stop me buying non-essentials such as bird cages and tea lights. The total — obviously a guideline price — comes to £926.46 per month. Which, added on to my mortgage, would bring the monthly bill to about £3,200.
I call Ed Phillips at Foxtons, into whose hands the house is destined to fall as a short-term let. He is aiming to offer it to short-term tenants at £890 a week, £3,200 a month, but after a management fee of 25% the amount ringing into the Millard account will be a good deal less. So, renting furniture might not be the answer. What does Phillips think? “You will have more opportunities if the house is unfurnished,” he says. “Some people move with their furniture, particularly if they are waiting to move into another house,” says Phillips. “And if you do get a client who wants to have a furnished home, you just buy it.” Nor does he set much store by the Show Home Solution. “Yes, you can get your house to look like a show home, but it’s nothing that you or I couldn’t do in about an hour.”
Then he gives me probably the best advice he ever has. “Do not do anything until we have found somebody. Make sure the house is empty and clean. Wait until we have a bite.” Oh, Ed. And to think I almost once thought you were a trainee.
Julie Styne Home Furniture Rentals, 020 7370 7740, www.juliestyne.com; Fully Furnished, 01784 449 988, www.fully-furnished.com