It is always a good career move for young journalists to keep their elders fed and watered, as I tell Grant, the hobbit, whenever I send him off to restock the TMS cheeseboard (owing to a typo on his CV he’s really employed as a dairy reporter). At least we pay him. Tom Newton Dunn, political editor of The Sun, got his big break as a lackey for The Daily Telegraph, he tells the Media Masters podcast, where one of his tasks was to get tea for Boris Johnson. “And get one for yourself,” Boris would say as he handed his gopher his plastic payment card. Every day, without fail, TND would reach the till with two teas only to be told: “Sorry, love, there’s still no money on that card.” And every day he would buy it himself and Boris would apologise and then fail to top his card up. At least by the time their paths crossed as equals he was used to the broken promises.
Another entry for our Apt Names series: the director of intelligence at the National Crime Agency is called Steve Smart.
PEERLESS INSPIRATION
There are so many royal weddings these days that Lord Craig of Radley has been moved to table an amendment to the Laser Misuse Bill to make it a crime to shine lasers at horse-drawn carriages. And people say the House of Lords don’t relate to the everyday problems facing everyone else.
Public Health England may be keen on Dry January, but its director of alcohol has admitted how useful wine can be for dealing with a stressful day. Giving evidence to MPs yesterday, Rosanna O’Connor reflected: “I’ll need a drink as I go home from here tonight.”
GALLOPING INCOMPETENCE
When Karen Bradley was moved from the culture brief to become Northern Ireland secretary this month, the British Horseracing Authority wanted to send her its thanks for all the work that she had done over reforming the racing levy. “Your legacy will be visible for a very long time,” simpered the authority’s chairman in a letter. Alas, it was addressed and sent to Baroness Brady of The Apprentice, even spelling her name, Karren, correctly. The BHA also dated it January 2017. Other than that it was perfect.
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The use of sarcasm in class raises creativity, according to a report at the weekend. It met with the approval of Philip Mann, a reader, who recalled that his sarcastic woodwork master would shout across the class: “Don’t waste that wood, lad, it doesn’t grow on trees.”
A JOB FOR DOZY DESMOND
A fresh setback for life after Brexit arrives with claims from the US that the man who negotiates trade deals for Donald Trump keeps falling asleep during meetings. It is reported that Wilbur Ross, the 81-year-old commerce secretary, who is supposed to be meeting Liam Fox in Davos this week if he can keep his eyes open, nods off at the drop of a hat. “Wilbur is good until about 11am,” a White House official told the Axios website. Perhaps we should send “Dozy” Desmond Swayne, the Tory backbencher who fell asleep during a Brexit debate last week, to negotiate on our behalf. We could get a deal on a nod and a wink — or half an hour’s nod and 40 winks.
