The tactless granny finds it impossible to admire one grandchild’s achievements without making a comparison with another. She rings up to swap family news. “I’ve just been talking to Amanda; Justin’s got into the under-12s rugby team. They’re so thrilled. What a pity Toby’s not athletic like his cousin.”
Her daughter, irritated, replies: “Mum, it’s not that Toby isn’t athletic, it’s just that we can’t afford to spend a fortune on after-school sports training.” She begins to dislike her nephew, Justin the wonder-boy.
In due course, Granny is bound to level the score by making a comparison in Toby’s favour: “Oh, Amanda, have you heard? Toby came top in Maths and English; it’s good to have someone with brains in the family.”
Unfortunately, the fact that she is even-handed doesn’t make her habit of comparison less irritating and sometimes hurtful. She may not realise that her thoughtlessness can cause damage. It is not always obvious that praise for one child can cast a shadow over another. The children themselves will not be aware that it is happening. But parents have sensitive antennae and the idea that a mother or mother-in-law has a favourite, and that favourite is not their child, causes pain and may even drive a wedge between the two families.
From the start, when the babies were born, Granny lost no time in pointing out that one had lovely curls and the other was as bald as a coot. One slept through the night like an angel, the other bawled incessantly. The mother of the bald bawler knows she shouldn’t mind but it can be difficult for parents to keep a sense of proportion when granny turns the children’s lives into a non-stop competition to see who is first to smile, sit up, walk, talk, paint Grandpa ‘s portrait, be picked for the Olympics or play The Moonlight Sonata at the Festival Hall.
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Children are under enough pressure to succeed without Granny fuelling the spirit of competition. Instead, she could give her grandchildren a refuge from unrealistic parental expectations, making it clear that although she is proud of their achievements, they don’t have to win prizes to earn her love.
If a grandmother wants to boast about a grandchild’s achievements, let her bend the ear of a friend, not a member of the family. There is an understanding among us grannies: we take turns listening to each other’s boasts.
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Do you have a tricky family member you would like some advice on? E-mail Jane at body&soul@thetimes.co.uk. She cannot enter into private communication with readers. For more about Jane, visit www.goodgranny.com