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Tabloid week: That's not a story – get out of here!

I’m Not a Celebrity, and It’s Not Too Bad Here All Things Considered.

Just one contestant took part: Mirror reporter Antonia Hoyle, who was dumped in the middle of the forest and ordered to take part in the following “bushtucker” trials: 1 Climb tree. 2 Eat worm.

“Worms are surprisingly strong and slippery,” she reported. “I have no option but to hold it to my mouth, shut my eyes tightly and take a (tiny) taste before getting rid quickly.” She then pluckily makes a camp fire, eats a can of meatballs, and slips into her pyjamas for the night. “I’ve enjoyed every second of my I’m a Celebrity experience,” she said.

What I’m a Celebrity experience? She didn’t go to Australia, she didn’t meet any celebrities. The technical term for Antonia’s experience is: sleeping rough in Essex. Still, might make a series for Channel 4.

Meanwhile, The Sun was considering the thorny question: does Elton John go to the shops, or what? Sir Elton rang the paper’s showbiz editor, Victoria Newton, to deny an accusation — made by Noel Gallagher of Oasis — that he was too precious to do his own shopping. “I go into the f****** shops all the time myself,” insisted Elton, adding: “He’s an absolute tosser and he looks like Parker from Thunderbirds.”

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All this because Elton backed Westlife to beat Oasis to the top of the album charts. On the same page, Victoria also reported that she had nominated comedian Russell Brand to be Bizarre Shagger of the Year.

Doesn’t it make you feel proud to the British?