How did you celebrate National Cleavage Day last Thursday? The WI ran a coffee morning down our way, while Melvyn Bragg’s In Our Time on Radio 4 was entirely devoted to the invention and development of the female breast by Chinese emperors of the Shang dynasty.
But for serious coverage, devotees had to turn to The Sun and the Daily Star. “It’s the day when Brit babes are encouraged to show off their treasure chests,” explained the Star, urging readers to vote for their favourite bust. Among the contenders was Nigella Lawson. How many other 51-year-olds get to be described as “a hot babe” and ogled in the Daily Star?
The Sun marked the day with the following headline: Tits Bounce Back. “Blue tits are up 22% and great tits 12%,” said the paper. “Their comeback follows fears for their future after the long cold snap.” This joke can also be viewed at the British Museum.
If you thought coverage of National Cleavage Day was in bad taste, The Sun had news of what the singer Rihanna enjoys in the bedroom. “I love to be tied up and spanked,” she said. “Using whips and chains is too planned. I prefer them to use their hands.” Jolly good. Excellent advice there for anybody who wakes up one morning and discovers, to their surprise, that they are in bed with Rihanna.
The Sun columnist Kelvin MacKenzie, whose byline picture boasts that he is columnist of the year (failed), asked the following question: are we a nation of thickos? (Answer: I’m sorry, I don’t quite understand the question.) “In world education tables, Estonia is now ranked ahead of us for reading while Korea, Singapore and Japan are miles ahead in science and maths,” he wrote. “But we don’t need dusty reports to discover the truth.” MacKenzie turned instead to Ant and Dec’s Push the Button on ITV1. In a recent episode, Ant asked the Coronation Street actor Antony Cotton and Carlotta, a member of the public, if they could name the chancellor of the exchequer. It was three days after the budget, and neither had a clue. Carlotta was also asked to name the leader of Libya. Her answer: “Backovitch.”
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If Michael Gove, the education secretary, is reading this: best of luck to you.
Stats of the week
The soaring cost of living means that the average British worker on a salary of £20,419 after tax is more than £1,000 a year worse off since 2009, a real-terms pay cut of 5%.
The incomes of finance workers have been squeezed hardest: the value of their pay has dropped by £101 a month.