Poised to reJoyce in the centenary of Bloomsday, Bertie Aherne was asked if Dublin life had changed much since June 16, 1904. Just a bit, he said.
ALONG Sir John Rogerson’s quay Mr Bloom walked soberly, past Windmill Lane, past Leask’s the linseed crushers, towards the postal telegraph office, ping, whirr, please fund enclosed outstanding telephone account in the sum of £9,000,000,004.02 or we will cut off your instrument, do not cut crush fold staple bend crease stick or lick, if paying by bank giro credo please state inside log measurement when orduring, please state date of bath, police state all previous convictions and indicate in box provided, provided box is provided, whether spouse/spinster/mattress/other martial state, DO NOT detach, semi-detach, end of terrors, bijou town mouse, 3 bed, OSP, GSH, flat grannie, patio patio baker’s man, we have demi more like this on our flies.
Bloom crossed Townsend Street, past Nichols the undertakers, this is to inform you that your spouse’s instrument has been cut off, the hospital regrets any inconvenience but your driving licence MUST be forwarded to Swansong, together with this form which requires two (7) signatures by a bank manacle, parish proust, or Chief Rabbit unless you rush me War and Peas, I undertake to purchase 9,000 other fine classics, please bill me.
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Along came bill, an ordinary gay, the Dept of Health has been apprised of your unfortunate loss, please place your ex in box provided, DO NOT forward to Alhambra Street, Killarney MI5 UFO (unless you are a Limerick rat-payer and have completed the five lines below or were aged over 650 on April 0), please state whether self-employed or next of kin, NB this offer depends upon availability, plus two stoppers from the Cork Examiner and/or a bottle of Banker’s Draught, but is NOT open to miners over 18.
— Hello, Bloom, this is McCoy, I’m on the drain, where are you?
— Hello, McCoy, ping, bleep, this is a recorded massage, the speaking cock is not available, when the tone sounds would you please Hello, this is the Gobi Hilton fully automated customer courtesy desk thank you for crawling, we have reserved 197 rooms facing the Baltic for you and your wine as per your fax, we note that your Donors Club number is This is the Test Match Service, tea-time scone West Indies 589764 for 31, your current account stands at 10.43 and 50 seconds . . .
Mr Bloom passed, muttering, the window of Brown Thomas, silk mercers, purveyors of fine carpets, billions (3) of carpets MUST be shifted due to computerising of stock, luxurious deep-pile Axemurderers sought by Interpol, Interpolly wants a crackpot, please state your old passport number on ROAD FUND APPLICATION when ordering new pisspot, please list (on blank sheep provided) ALL diseases contracted in past 2 minutes, not excluding (g) deep piles, (4 or 17b ) credit accounts at any other stores, (gamma) paying tax at the standard rape, or ( iii ) air miles.
Mr Bloom struggled over the greystone bridge, feeling the pressure on his bladder, ping, clunk, as we have no record of your existence on our flies, your water has been cut off from May 8, backdated to Ramadan. If you wish to be reconnected, plus receive, for one month ONLY, two big macs with every pair of galoshes ordered, report at Catterick Barracks 07.00 sharp, bringing with you your old dog licence (£65 for colour), plus vests, string (2), underpants, wincyette (2), plimsolls, canvas (0000.00), unless vehicle is MORE than 50cwt (2 kilos) and/or/but registered PRIOR to the 1992 Road Sidesaddle Act (repealed).
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Mr Bloom, passing Corney Kelleher’s, glumly watched the drayman roll the fat vats, ping, buzz, VAT is not payable on children’s seed, mouse clothing, gibbets FOR OWN USE (except on early closing day), SECONDHAND bacteria, clockwork ponds, dependent relatives ( tinned ), sea scrolls (unless dead ), unknown soldiers (if intended as gifts ), or women exempted from Jury Service under the 1839 Scottish Peers of the Realm Act (BBC2, Thursday, if wet). DO NOT throw this away, it is not an advertisement, failure to comply carries a minimum of 18 months imprisonment, plus 35 pence p & p, DO NOT attempt to move this vehicle, DO NOT leave bags unattended, DO NOT smoke, DO NOT drink, DO NOT eat, ping, clunk, if you wish to continue please press the star button twice now, calls may be monitored for farce training, do you wish to go on, and his heart was going like mad and no he said no I don’t No.
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