Lloyd’s underwriters have launched an insurance policy to guard against chest hair loss after a request from an unnamed celebrity. “It’s the oddest I can remember,” says Jonathan Thomas, of Lloyd’s managing agency Creechurch. “It’s for performers who require the impression of manliness.” Hairy men — such as Sean Connery — could claim up to £1m if they lose lose more than 85% of chest hair through genuine accident. Loss by terrorism, war, skin-diving, hang-gliding and hunting on horseback is not covered. Fire-eaters need not apply.
Excuse of the week
A motorist stopped by police for speeding claimed he was trying to blow-dry his car. Officers in New Zealand stopped the driver for doing 74mph in a 30mph zone. “I have a bad back and thought I would do that to dry the car instead of having to chamois it,” he said.
Football violence of the week
A Malaysian woman attacked her husband with the television remote control when he sneaked off to watch England’s opening game in Euro 2004. The 46-year-old salesman told the Malaysian Star that his wife had forced him to go to bed early to ensure he’d be able to take his two children to school. “She refused to let me watch the game, although I promised not to oversleep,” he said. When his wife woke up and found him watching the game she hit him on the head with the remote control and hid the smart card. “My wife doesn’t understand my passion for football,” he said.
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Dimwits of the week
The first part of the robbery went to plan: the gang stormed into a shop in Salvador, Brazil. And that’s when it started to go wrong. First a gang member dropped his gun, which went off and hit him in the leg. The rest of the gang, thinking that someone was shooting at them, then tried to flee on motorbikes. But as they looked back to see what happened to their colleague, they either crashed or fell off. “They were the easiest criminals to catch,” says a police spokesman. “We were all laughing.”
Romantic of the week
A woman has bitten off part of her boyfriend’s tongue during a vigorous bout of French kissing. The 43-year-old from St Paul, Minnesota, told police: “I guess I bit down too hard”. Officers searched her home for the tongue, but couldn’t find it. According to police a 1½in piece is missing.
Civic honour of the week
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The mayor of El Paso, Texas, has been awarded a year’s supply of antiperspirant after his city was named the sweatiest place in America. According to research, El Paso residents produce enough sweat in four hours to fill an Olympic swimming pool.