“Ken and Deirdre will wed on the same day as Charles and Camilla,” The Sun reports. “Astonished soap bosses said they picked April 8 well before last week’s royal announcement.”
The coincidences don’t stop there. Not only did the Coronation Street couple marry first time round in 1981 — only two days before Charles married Diana — but, as The Sun rather cruelly points out, the two men have their similarities. “Ken, 65, is a stuffy, dithering, slightly dull teacher,” says the paper. “Charles, 56, is a stuffy, dithering, slightly dull prince.”
A Coronation Street insider told the paper: “This date was pencilled in months ago, then out of the blue Prince Charles announces the same date for his marriage. We’ve been joking that Camilla must have the same dressmaker as Deirdre. How else would they uncover the date?”
And after the wedding? Well, there’s that all-important question of the honeymoon: how will I look in my bikini? (Camilla and Deirdre, obviously, not Charles or Ken.) All women, according to The Sun, have a real age and a bikini age. How can you tell your bikini age? The paper printed a helpful questionnaire.
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1 Are your breasts a) pointing skyward, b) straight out, or c) frankly, a bit saggy?
2 Are your thighs a) like smooth silk b) orange peel, or c) lumpy porridge?
3 How many inches can you pinch around the waist: a) one or two; b) a fistful c) is it really too painful to contemplate?
There are five more searching questions to answer, but if you’ve answered a) so far then you’ve nothing to worry about. If you mostly answered c) then you’ve got work to do before the summer holidays.
Actress Halle Berry, 38, has a bikini age of 22, while Charlotte Church, 18, has a bikini age of 26. Liz Hurley, 39, has a bikini age of 23. It works for men too. Lean, taut Alastair Campbell is often seen out in running shorts showing off his cellulite-free legs. John Prescott, by contrast, prefers sporting activity that involves a full diving suit.
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And finally, Mirror columnist Sue Carroll’s verdict on the recent Ikea riot: “Police had their orders, but they couldn’t understand the instructions.”
Now take that joke and try to reassemble it. Bet you there’ll always be a word left over.