10) Luke Young (down)
It turned out that Young retired from international football some time ago, but this was only discovered when Fabio Capello attempted to change his mind after Glen Johnson withdrew from the England squad. What is more disturbing - that Young was ever in the international reckoning, or that England are so threadbare in a World Cup year that he still might be?
9) His Highness Sheikh Mansour Bin Zayed Al Nahyan (up)
It would help anyone’s fading self-confidence to receive the resounding vote of confidence in one’s personal project that the Manchester City owner got when the team arrived in Abu Dhabi for a friendly against the United Arab Emirates. “It’s our team playing against us,” a number of locals repeated joyfully to the cameras of Sky Sports, proving that the Sheikh’s people buy into the City dream completely. As it turned out, “our team” were faultless guests, allowing “us” to win 1-0 thanks to a penalty kick gifted by Stuart Taylor. Or perhaps Mark Hughes wanted to give the locals a true taste of the Premier League, ie, City being unable to get results away from the City of Manchester Stadium.
8) Dinara Safina (down) and Marat Safin (out)
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Safin retired this week leaving behind memories of “splintered rackets and colourful outbursts” and having won two grand-slam titles, in Australia in 2005 and New York in 2000. His little sister, Dinara, is still going, but is ending one of those years that gives ranking systems a bad name. Defeat in the Australian and French Open finals, a semi-final exit at Wimbledon and in the third round in the US Open gave her a not-entirely-undeserved record as a big-match choker. Yet she spent most of the year as the world No 1, until justice was done and she was knocked down by Serena Williams to second place - a ranking that suits her permanent bridesmaid status.
7) David Davies (up)
The former FA front man chaired the panel that recommended that the so-called Crown Jewels of sporting events that should be available free to the widest possible audience should include The Ashes and England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland home and away qualifiers for the World Cup and European Championships, and Wales Six Nations rugby matches (in Wales). Events dropped from the list are the Winter Olympics, the Derby and the Rugby League Challenge Cup final. So lots of love from the valleys for the man who was once personally assisted by Faria Alam, but not so much from the ski slopes or the land of Rhinos, Bulls and Dragons.
6) Gustavo Poyet (up)
After working as assistant to Dennis Wise and Juande Ramos, the garrulous Uruguayan is striking out on his own, accepting the offer of his first solo management job from Tony Bloom, Brighton & Hove Albion’s extremely wealthy poker-playing owner. He follows a series of former Chelsea team-mates into management - as well as Wise, there’s Mark Hughes, Gianfranco Zola, Roberto Di Matteo, Gianluca Vialli, Didier Deschamps and Dan Petrescu. West Ham United produced a legendary crop of managers, who used to share ideas at the Green Street Cafe over a full English after training. Somehow we imagine that the Chelsea brains trust preferred a farfalle ai funghi with a dry white ...
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5) Mike Tyson (up)
The former heavyweight boxing champion, 43, was arrested after a brawl with a “celebrity photographer” at Los Angeles International Airport. The paparazzo told police that Tyson struck him once, inflicting a cut to the man’s forehead. The photographer is reported to have struck Tyson first in an attempt to provoke him. How the mighty has fallen. We can’t decide what is more depressing - that Tyson allowed an opponent to get in the first blow, or that his retaliatory punch didn’t poleaxe the man. As Muhammad Ali once said of George Foreman, “Is that all you got?”
4) Tyler Bryan and Shaun Parker (both down)
The two oponents in a Mixed Martial Arts bout threw their best knockout punches simultaneously. Sympathy goes to the referee, who didn’t know who to count out first and had to enlist the help of an assistant.
3) The disgruntled Grimsby Town fan (up)
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A fan of the Mariners poured his heart and soul on to the message boards after Grimsby’s home defeat by Bath City in the FA Cup. Some of it is unsuitable for a family website, but surely every long-suffering supporter has, at some point, wished to convey these sentiments to the players who have let him down: “I run a business myself, and I believe I could take any 4,000 of my customers at random, burn down their houses, impregnate their wives and then dismember their children before systematically sending them back in the post, limb-by-limb, and still ensure a level of customer satisfaction which exceeds that which I have experienced at Blundell Park at any time so far this season.” Harsh but fair.
2) Peterborough United (down eventually)
Sacking a manager who has delivered back-to-back promotions and been voted a division’s manager of the season is a warning not to be too successful too quickly. Darren Ferguson, son of Sir Alex, had masterminded only two league wins this season, but heck, it’s only November, and even Barry Fry, the club’s director of football, described Ferguson’s previous achievements as “miraculous”. But losing 3-1 away to Newcastle United - the division leaders, in case no-one had noticed - was the last straw for a club with the heritage and ambition of the Mighty Posh. Good luck to Darragh MacAnthony, the chairman, in finding someone who can satisfy his entirely reasonable expectation of the Champions League trophy being paraded at London Road within three years. Oh, and good luck in trying to arrange that friendly against Manchester United next season.
1) Elizabeth Lambert (up)
Who she? Only a new star of YouTube, that’s all. Try entering “violent soccer woman” and you should find her with ease. The New Mexico defender, angered by a sly elbow from an opponent from Brigham Young University, clearly forgot that the cameras were attending the Mountain West Conference Championship semi-final. Lambert’s subtle revenge took various forms: hair-pulling, scything tackles reminiscent of the early 1970s, a high challenge from the Johnny Evans school of attempted decapitations and even a forearm smash. She was only shown one yellow card, for kicking the ball at the head of a fallen opponent, but has now been suspended by her team. Sadly, there is no truth in the rumour that she has been invited to appear on the BBC’s Who Do You Think You Are? in the hope of finding Norman Hunter or Peter Storey skulking in the branches of her family tree.