Day 73 of the cricket World Cup (a figure arrived at by totting up the five-bar gates scratched into the wall beside my television using a whittled-down Hobnob) and time is weighing heavily out there on the Sky Sports inmates, heard but seldom seen.
Food is scarce, shaving equipment non-existent and Mark Nicholas is now reported to have a long, straggly beard and ragged-bottomed trousers.
There is also, apparently, a dark plot afoot among some of the team to cook and eat David “Bumble” Lloyd when he isn’t looking.
During some matches a low, discontented rumble is periodically heard. It’s Sir Ian Botham, commentating. Then the rumbling stops and some claim to hear a regular and repeated muffled thumping in the background. It’s Botham passing time by throwing a ball against the commentary box wall and catching it on the rebound, like Steve McQueen in The Great Escape.
Eagle-eyed viewers will have glimpsed, more than once, a sponsor’s motorbike arranged promotionally beyond the boundary. The chances increase daily that Botham will finally sniff freedom, grab one of these and make a break for it through the advertising hoardings, creating, at the very least, an iconic moment for cinema.
Advertisement
Still, some of these hardy soldiers are staying positive and keeping their spirits up.
Nasser Hussain, for instance, sounds almost heroically bubbly and upbeat in the circumstances — although, of course, it could be the early onset of hallucinatory hysteria, caused by the aforementioned shortage of food and the draining, additional energy required to lug his new beard around.
Whatever; the other day, as England resourcefully found yet another way to promote the 50-over format as a white-knuckle drama-fest, Hussain gave James Anderson, brought on to bowl, the sort of welcome normally experienced only by the owners of excitable Labradors after a spell away.
“I like this change,” Hussain enthused, as the thud of ball on wall continued unabated in the near-distance. “Fancy Jimmy Anderson today. Bit of in, bit of out. Hit the stumps, Jimmy!”
Sadly oblivious to this build-up, Anderson immediately bowled a wide. Then he dropped a catch (admittedly, a tough one). Then he bowled another wide. Not since the great Murray Walker put a rally car on its roof in a wood by commending its smooth progress has living proof of the fabled “commentator’s curse” been so clearly available for inspection. But that’s why we wonder whether cabin fever might be becoming an issue.
Advertisement
For a broadcaster as experienced as Hussain to ignore Harmison’s Law (a regulation banning build-ups for England pacemen, put on the statute books a couple of years ago after an entire autumn of anticipation led the hapless Stephen Harmison to open an Ashes series with a ball that missed the crease by the width of Botham and two sponsors’ motorbikes laid end to end) suggests that a measurable toll is being taken on normally sound and trustworthy constitutions and that best practices are being eroded under pressure.
Just to restate those practices, for clarity’s sake: the accepted approach to commentating on England bowling in the live scenario is to come at it obliquely, where possible, and even talk about something else altogether, if necessary, almost as if not watching it. (It’s a technique borrowed from horse whispering.) This way, good things are allowed to happen. Or, if they don’t, at least the commentator’s hands are clean.
As it is, we’ve got Hussain saying: “He could finish it here, Graeme Swann. If he gets one, he could get two or three.” At which point, one knew that Swann might as well take his shades back from the umpire and retreat to the shadows for all the difference he was about to make, wickets-wise.
Now, if Hussain had said something entirely irrelevant, such as: “The interesting thing about cows, you know, is that they have not one but two stomachs”, then Swann might have been free to do some late damage.
We should note that the punishing rigours of the longest sports tournament ever staged that wasn’t, technically, a war are not only being felt by those on the ground, but are also affecting Sky’s operations unit back in Isleworth.
Advertisement
Here, we are quite convinced, Robert Croft is actually four inches shorter than he was when the tournament started. Either that, or Bob Willis is four inches taller. Whichever, the effect of sitting them next to each other on a slightly too small sofa grows ever more visually arresting. Throw in a top hat and we’d be looking at a sight gag fit to rival any since Willie Carson joined Clare Balding at the coverage of Ladies’ Day at Royal Ascot.
Only David Gower seems at ease with the thought that this could all last a lot longer yet.
Then again, the tournament could be staged aboard a probe to Mars, and set to unfold over the course of a number of light years, and Gower would simply knot his tie and have his driver collect him from Hampshire at the usual time. Some people are born for the long run.