Spare your kids a moving Odyssey

Psychologists regard moving home as one of the most disruptive events in anybody’s life. Children can be particularly vulnerable. Michael Mullally, a clinical psychologist practising in Galway, says: “Moving home is recognised as one of the greatest stresses in our lives. For life events that can lead to psychological disturbance, moving is up there with them.

“For children, the familiar surroundings shift and their relationships with friends are disturbed, but that is also part of the reality of life. If a child is grieving over the loss of friends, parents need to join with them in the grieving process and help them to understand that this is a part of life.”

In Joyce’s case, the peripatetic existence of his youth became the subject matter of such celebrated books as A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man. “In Portrait, we first meet Stephen Dedalus when he has a reasonably stable background,” says Norris.

“The next thing, they’re out in Blackrock, still a good address. There is a feeling of security, but that is then shattered and we get the image of the removal men invading and tramping in, with wisps of the packing straw floating around the garden.

“Things go from bad to worse and they ultimately end up in a cottage in the north inner city. Joyce was able to erect a structure of genius from the instability, which was helped by the fact that his talent could blossom in defiance of the establishment. Joyce was order out of chaos: chaos was almost necessary material for him.”

Part of Joyce’s genius was his ability to use these experiences in his literature. But, in the end, it was his own children who suffered the most. History repeated itself, with the writer dragging his wife, Nora Barnacle, and their two children, George and Lucia, around Europe for most of their lives.

“There is no doubt that all the moves brought about an instability that Joyce relished later in life,” says Norris. “He developed a devil-may-care attitude and it didn’t bother him to move. In fact, he was continually moving: they moved from country to country, language to language, school to school, district to district, house to flat, apartment to lodgings. The pattern set by his father was repeated, which had a calamitous effect on Joyce’s own children.

So what can parents do to ease the pain of moving for their children? Mullally has some recommendations.

Age 0-5

“Younger children can find moving the easiest and the least distressing,” he says. “Their security tends to be bound up with their parents, so if their parents are around and are available, the child should be fine.

“Something that could be done for children this age, and a little older, is to be careful about explaining that the toys that are being packed away in boxes will show up in the new house.

“Children of that age can become out of sorts, and usually the reason is that they are picking up on the general levels of stress. Looking after yourself and keeping your own stress levels down is not a bad rule of thumb. Plan well in advance and pack over a long period.

“Moving is also stressful for partners, so look after each other. Be able to communicate with each other and take time out if tensions are high.”

Age 6-12

“School-age children have their own social network, so the concern will be how will they settle into the new school and will they make new friends,” says Mullally.

“Children this age can be excited by a move, but they mightn’t grasp the fact that their friends won’t be coming with them. It’s important to visit the new school before the move, as well as the library or sports club, so that they can become familiar with the new setting.

“There’s also the endless debate about whether it’s better to move children during a school term or the summer holidays. There are pros and cons with both. If you move during the summer, the child doesn’t have the opportunity to make friends, so they can be at a loose end over the holidays. If you move during term time, the difficulty can be that not all schools will be at the same place in the curriculum at the same time. Plus, the class is likely to be settled and the child may feel more left out than if they started with everyone else in September.

“Really, it’s a matter of dealing with the pitfalls as they arrive. It’s good for them to learn to deal with disruptions like this, and the way to react is to support them. You do this by allowing them to have the feelings they are having.

“So if they are feeling angry, allow them to be angry, as long as they are not playing on it. Their feelings are their natural responses to situations; learning to manage them is important for their emotional development.”

Age 13-17

“Adolescents are possibly the most difficult. They’ve moved into a stage where their peer group is more important than family. They’ve been learning to make long-lasting relationships and to develop their own standing within the peer group.

“On top of that, they might be leaving behind a boyfriend or girlfriend, and they will find that particularly difficult. Parents need to be sensitive to that and be aware of the strong feelings.

“Again, it’s important to let the adolescent have those feelings and not to try to jockey them along with comments like, ‘Time heals all wounds.’ That’s not helpful, as it won’t meet with the experience of the adolescent. If you’re 14, 15 or 16 and devastated, the notion that you’ll be grand in a couple of months means that nobody understands what you’re going through.

“The best thing to do is sit down and say that you know that this is difficult and ask them if there is anything that you can do for them.”