I am a legendary Englishman.
Really? You look more like a forgettable fortysomething to me.
OK, hands up, I’m not a legend, but David Beckham is and he’s let us down badly.
Not another corny tattoo. What is it this time? Becks hearts Olive 4 Ever?
Um, who is Olive?
The family dog.
Phew. I thought you were trying to get us sued. No, this time it’s his feet. He’s wearing red and white striped pool slides.
So what? Thanks to my dedicated perusal of the most trivial parts of the internet, I happen to know that the Beckhams are in LA for the summer. People wear sandals in LA. It’s OK. It’s not like here, where it’s quite obviously not.
Now seems like a good time to tell you what he’s wearing them with: white nearly-to-the-knee sports socks.
Don’t be ridiculous, Becks is a stylish man. He would never commit such a heinous crime against fashion.
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It’s right there in full colour hi-res.
Was he wearing them ironically? Fashion people do that. They wear something stupid and if anyone says, “You look stupid,” they say, “I am wearing this ironically, but you are not fashionable enough to understand.”
How charming they sound. He was wearing them with shiny black nylon board shorts and a baseball cap on backwards.
Is that ironic? It just sounds like a terrible look. Run some other ironic looks past me.
Exhibit a: the Balenciaga stripy laundry bag. A dead ringer for the bags you take your sheets in to the cleaners for a service wash.
Do I look like the sort of person who takes her sheets for a service wash?
No. You look like the sort of person who pays £975 for a Balenciaga bag. Other ironic looks include anything that is fashionable but ugly. For example, clothes from Vetements, or Céline’s fur-lined shoes, which make feet look like paws.
Why pay a fortune to look stupid?
Because it’s ironic. Duh.