Alpha Mum convenes a mothers’ coffee morning in Starbucks. She arrives wearing a power suit from her McKinsey days and carrying a lap-top computer, which she switches on. “This class rep thing is becoming a full-time job,” she says, laughing heartily. We all smile weakly. Yummy Mummy No 1 sashays in late wearing a full-length chocolate-brown sheepskin coat. She sits down beside me. “Safety in numbers,” she whispers. “Not for the sheep,” I mutter. “My husband bought it for me to say sorry for never being there.” “You mean it wasn’t a Christmas present?” I ask. “No, that’s outside.” I look and there is a shiny blue convertible mini. I think wistfully of the aromatherapy candles that Husband on a Short Fuse proudly handed over.
Sexy Domesticated Dad arrives looking suitably dishevelled. He comes and sits at the other side. “I’ve never been to a mums’ coffee morning,” he says to no one in particular. His presence is immediately eclipsed by the arrival of Celebrity Dad who asks him to move up so that he can sit next to me, despite the space next to Alpha Mum. Coffee mornings have suddenly become really exciting. “Great e-mail,” he says in my ear. Still trying to live down effects of message I erroneously sent to the entire parental e-mail list about rekindling of sex life with Husband on a Short Fuse.
“Any issues that you want to bring up?” asks Alpha Mum, clearly hoping there are none. Yummy Mummy No 1 puts up her hand. “I am really worried about the nylon content of the school jumpers,” she says. “They don’t allow their bodies to breathe.” Alpha Mum duly types in her concern on a spreadsheet.
“I have a few new ideas that I want to throw around,” says Alpha Mum. I wince inwardly and can feel Sexy Domesticated Dad doing the same. Any minute now she will say something about blue-sky thinking or suchlike. “We have to think out of the box,” she says. And proposes that we pick four couples to participate in the school fundraising quiz. “In order that I can choose the best candidates, it would be helpful if you could give a brief description of your professional background. That will help me assess our strengths and weaknesses as a group.” When she says weaknesses, she looks at me.
“Lucy, perhaps you could take charge of my second idea that involves a weekly home-baking rota for parents so that the children have something to look forward to on a Wednesday.”
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“Home baking isn’t my strong point,” I say. “What did you use to do BC, Lucy, or were you always a stay-at-home mum?” “Actually, I used to work for Newsnight,” I say. Stunned silence. “Well, she definitely needs to be on the team,” says Celebrity Dad.