After months of absence, Yumski Mumski makes a rare appearance on the school run at pick-up time. “Where do you think she’s been?” I ask Sexy Domesticated Dad.
“At their ski chalet?” he suggests.
“There’s hardly any snow,” says Yummy Mummy No 1, who monitors conditions in the Alps as though she’s still a chalet girl.
“They probably have their own snow machine or fly it in from the Himalayas on their Learjet,” says Sexy Domesticated Dad.
“Maybe she was in their apartment in New York?” I suggest.
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“Or perhaps on their yacht moored in the South of France?” says Alpha Mum.
“Or maybe all three?” I chip in, adding that if you have your own plane, you can be flexible about travelling, especially because until last week there was no tax on private flights. “Just imagine a world without Speedy Boarding.”
“Stop torturing me,” pleads Yummy Mummy No 1.
As Yumski Mumski draws closer to us, Yummy Mummy No 1 goes into further decline when she realises that Yumski Mumski is wearing a pale leather biker jacket that she has been on a waiting list for since the beginning of the year.
“How does she get all the best stuff first?” Yummy Mummy No 1 hisses, pointing out that Yumski Mumski is accessorising with matching bodyguard and a taupe pomeranian dog that she is carrying in her pale leather handbag.
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“Money talks,” shrugs Sexy Domesticated Dad.
“Well it shouldn’t,” says Yummy Mummy No 1. “Everyone should be given a fair chance. It’s the basic principle of a democratic society. It’s what people are fighting for in Libya.”
“I might be wrong, but I don’t think that the people in Benghazi are fighting for equal access to new-season Burberry,” I say as diplomatically as possible.
“Well, she’s punching above her weight,” says Yummy Mummy No 1. We all agree, because Yumski Mumski has the body of a gangly teenager.
“The trouble is that when you were top dog, you didn’t show much humility or humanity towards anyone else,” says Sexy Domesticated Dad. “You told us that it was survival of the fittest and that the reason that you had the best of everything was that you were the best of everything, so you can hardly complain when capitalism starts to work against you.”
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Yumski Mumski comes over and introduces her new dog. “I have one for every handbag now,” she jokes.
“I thought pomeranians were a nightmare around small children,” says Yummy Mummy No 1.
“They are,” says Yumski Mumski. “Which is why she lives with me, and the children and nannies live in the house next door.”