THE late Dave Allen used to describe the self-delusion that overcomes a holidaymaker on a Mediterranean beach.
Despite a weedy physique, white and crimson skin and a paunch, as one strolls along the hot white sand among tanned lithe locals it is natural to imagine oneself an equally bronzed and muscled beach-god. Only weeks afterwards, when the photographs would be developed, did the truth became appallingly clear. The photographs were put in a drawer and forgotten.
In some respects, things have changed since the 1970s, and in this digital age such painful moments of self-knowledge are apparently no longer necessary. In what is described as the latest “female-friendly” gadget to hit the high streets, a new digital camera will take pictures of you reclining like a beached sea mammal — and make you look thinner.
The electrical chain-store Comet is selling the HP Photosmart R727, which contains a “slimcam” function. Set it to “slimcam”, and the camera “squeezes” the object at the centre of the frame without distorting the background.
At the flick of a switch, it is claimed, a woman can lose as much as a dress size and a man can develop, if not the yearned- for washboard stomach, then at least a more respectably proportioned figure for the photograph album.
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Comet believes that the photography of self-delusion will become wildly popular. In a culture obsessed with unrealistic ideas of the perfect body, the perfect answer seems to be to present friends with unrealistic photographs.
Though in the flesh you may appear generously undisciplined, in the photograph you will appear to have been dieting rigorously.
“Like many women in Britain, I am a size 16 and sometimes my holiday photos are not as flattering as I would like,” said Sally Cranham, 24, a professional singer from Reigate.
Pictured here (above left) in a summer dress, as she really is, she looks elegant and well-proportioned. With the application of the slimcam function(above right), she turns out a shade more slender.
Ms Cranham is convinced that the difference is more marked. “The slimming button certainly trimmed off a bit where it counts,” she said. Indeed, she felt that it was equivalent to the weight she might have lost on a stringent pre-holiday regime.
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“It worked better than a four-week diet of raw vegetables and smoothies in the run-up to my holiday,” she said.
Accustomed as we are these days to the doctored images of celebrity magazines, some might worry that the truth of their “slimcam” photography would emerge when friends flicked through the holiday snaps. But Ms Cranham is convinced that she will get away with it.
“If it had airbrushed me down to a size 8 then no one would have believed it,” Ms Cranham said. “But it did just enough to hide some of the evidence of a few too many good nights out.”
The price of this peace of mind, this opiate of the holidaying people, is £199.99. The camera itself is the size of a deck of playing cards — small enough to fit into a handbag, whether or not you can carry it on to an aircraft. It also has functions that allow for “retro” and “kaleidoscope” images.
The device is being marketed as a “female-friendly” gadget — where electrical goods are usually considered “boy’s toys”.
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A spokeswoman for Comet said that it brought technology that usually favoured only the rich and famous within the grasp of the masses.
The only victim will be truth — and in this case that scarcely matters.