Women can be divided into two groups: those who wilt outside relationships and those who wilt within them. I fit into the second category. While friends of mine claim to be unable to sleep well without a male chest as a pillow, I have never had a good night’s sleep sharing a bed with a man and find the sound of male snoring — as well as somebody else’s alarm going off early — about as pleasurable as a yeast infection.
You may be getting the impression of someone who isn’t very nice when she has to “share” — but it’s distinctly sharing a life with a man that I find a struggle, often a painful one. Yet through all the anxiety and misunderstandings of my relationships and lesser dalliances, from protracted flings to one-night stands, I couldn’t help but wonder: must it really be like this? The high emotion, the confusion, the pangs of rejection, the walking on eggshells?
And so it was that I began writing my book. I spent almost a year talking to hundreds of men to get to the bottom of the way they think about us in the context of dating and relationships, the aim being to help us women to navigate men better, and therefore to enjoy our time with them (and ourselves) more. There is no “secret” to men, but having trawled through thousands of their unedited words, I have emerged wiser. Here are a few that I found particularly enlightening.
1. Men embarrass, and scare, easily
Have you ever kissed someone you vaguely know and found him treating you as though you’re carrying a new strain of killer flu the next day — and forever after? You can send all the “we’re cool” signals you like, but the snog (or whatever) is done, and now the expectation is there. While women digest complex situations rather easily, men freak out at discordance between action and intention.
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So it’s a combination of embarrassment, guilt and fear that makes them want to hide under a rock when they see you after a night of ill-advised passion. Jake K, 34, puts it nicely: “Why does he go cold? Embarrassment, plain and simple.” Meaning, he’d decided not to pursue that path when you’d met before, and he U-turned for no good reason, and now he feels foolish. He goes on: “The main reason men avoid women is guilt — they remind them of their mistakes.”
Mark M, 25, explains: “It’s mainly to do with fear. Men are terrified of being asked to give straight answers to direct questions about their romantic intentions, of lack of them, towards women, because they can’t articulate the answers.”
Conclusion? Men are dramatic in their heads, full of fear of confrontation and guilt, and so they over-react. The only solution is to let him be until he calms down. He’s not keen, that’s for sure, but soon enough he won’t actually find you repulsive.
2. Men will go to any lengths to feel loved
I’ve often been swept along by grand or romantic gestures, breathlessly waiting for things to get serious. Often, though, the roses, the champagne and the toothbrush he makes a show of keeping for you at his place, lead nowhere. So why do they bother?
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One main reason: the desire to be loved, and fast. The gesture guy is all about reeling you in — as Tom L, 28, puts it in relation to the man who bought the toothbrush but never called me: “Unlike dogs, men can and do read what’s written about them, so they know how to manipulate perceptions. Men know that women have imbued the toothbrush with a wildly disproportionate significance. That makes it an easy way to accumulate romantic capital.” For the roses and champagne, let’s hear from Victor L, 28. “There’s no question that a guy wants to sweep a girl off her feet as quickly as possible. He wants her thinking about him and how great he is. The quicker she falls for him, the more secure the guy will feel, and he’ll be able to sit back, sigh and assess this ‘new girl’.” Others pointed out that feeling loved is like a potent drug, that feeds straight to the ego — the equivalent of oxygen in men. Thus they’ll go “flat-out initially” (Victor again); then, once they feel loved, it’s mission accomplished and off they go.
Gesture men, particularly those who weren’t great with women at school, are not motivated by getting to know you. They’re motivated by adding another captive woman to their list. The only way to keep them keen is by depriving them of the one thing they’re after: your heart.
3. Making the leap from friends to lovers is doomed
It seems like the perfect romantic solution. But knowing what I do, I am not going to be harbouring any of those fantasies again, and nor should you. Why? Simple: the stakes are too high, from the beginning, for men to cope. As is the pressure. Once again we see this male fear of discordance between the symbolism of an action and definite intention. Says Marcus F, 28: “The epiphanic moment [of coming together] is blighted by a massive caveat: ‘if this works, amazing; if it doesn’t, I lose everything’.” Drama, again. Fear, again. And there’s nothing like the latter to put a man off the prospect of a relationship.
There’s another reason it won’t work, and that, as Nathan D, 30, puts it, is the madonna/whore split. As his close friend, you serve the crucial role of the mother/madonna, who he can cuddle up to and even flirt with, for reassurance.
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As his friend, you are in distinct opposition to the very person you now want to become — the whore (as it were). “It was never meant to be a real relationship,” says Nathan. “Once it becomes reality, that you’re friends to begin with, not lovers, becomes an important, obvious fact.” Conclusion? The pressure of your developed feelings, combined with the sense of “all to play for” equals serious droopage on his part.
4. The most unexpected men have ‘player’ mentalities
I used to endlessly scratch my head and feel down in the dumps about the disconnect between the keen man in your bed/flat and the man who is, apparently, not in possession of a telephone the rest of the time. Now I know why men can act like boyfriends when you’re together — cooking dinner, bringing DVDs — and cold when you’re apart. They’re playing the field, and they want you on their books for sex. Adam Lyons is a dating coach and pick-up artist, and proved a valuable resource for me. He says: “This behaviour is the hallmark of the player. His primary goal is getting laid. It’s all about sex for this guy. He’s got the whole ‘when we’re together everything’s going to be perfect’ thing going”.
Brandon L, 28, puts it just as clearly: “Basically, I make you pasta, you sleep with me.” He admits that sometimes guys can feel a touch romantic, even whimsical, while enacting these cosy scenes with you. “But then afterwards, well, out of sight, out of mind.”
It seems that there’s nothing meaningful in these gestures. They’re a studied, and not unenjoyable way of getting you to sleep with them. Solution: learn not to set store by romantic evenings that don’t come with a follow-through. And if you’re offended at being used for sex, send him home after supper and see what happens.
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5. Once a booty call, always a booty call
Once a friend, always a friend, and if you’re going to be a girlfriend, you’ll be seen as such from the first. One of the most fascinating nuggets to emerge from my research was this: men see you in these three different categories, and you don’t have any power to shift from one to the other — you particularly won’t be able to go from booty call girl (the woman he calls when he wants sex) to girlfriend.
Take Anthony A, 29: “Booty calls have nothing to do with your suitability as a girlfriend.” Or Iain H, 29: “[A booty call] means that you are considering them as a one-night stand. If you’re considering someone as a potential girlfriend, you’ll do it properly.” Or Will L, 30: “If you booty call her, you’re not considering her as a girlfriend.”
A man will have seen you as a girlfriend figure from the first — if not, he never will. Don’t waste time pining for the man who calls on you late and drunk of a Friday night. For him, you are about sex and nothing more. If it’s painful, end the booty calls.
6. Men fear ageing more than us
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The trappings of adulthood, eg, responsibility or curbed “freedom”, terrify them. And most of them treasure a deep-seated “bachelor pad” dream. Which is why they can be with you for years, spend every night with you, and still refuse to move in with you.
The now-married Andy B, 45, sums it up: “You may ask what the difference between moving in and staying over really is. But psychologically for men, there’s a huge difference. In men’s minds, that little step is a huge step. Not only does it represent the giving up of your independence, it’s about giving up the end of your youth as well.”
The solution is to put your foot down. Andy himself notes that men get away with murder these days, since marriage is no longer a duty, and can drag on this pre-permanent state cruelly long. He was booted into cohabitation, then happy marriage, by his wife’s foot going down. “Move in, or we’re over” is the most effective approach, if you’re sure that there’s no other “faultline” in the relationship (as another man put it) that could open up once you’re shacked up.
What he says and what he means
Says: “Great to meet you.”
Means: “I didn’t love meeting you and probably won’t be calling.”
Says: “I’m not over my ex, so we have to take it slowly.”
Means: “I am going to play the ‘get out of jail free’ card so that you are forever afraid of hassling me into a relationship.”
Says: “I’m out with mates. Meet later on?”
Means: “I don’t see you as girlfriend material. If I did, you’d be coming with me, or we’d be spending the whole evening together.”
Says: (Blushing) “I’ve bought you a toothbrush for when you stay over at mine”
Means: “I know that you interpret this as a major gesture, so I don’t have to make much effort for a while now. Oh, and you’re going to fall for me even more, which is all part of the plan.”
Says: “I love you.”
Means: “I think I love you.”
What The Hell Is He Thinking? All The Questions You’ve Ever Asked About Men Answered, by Zoe Strimpel, is published by Fig Tree on July 1st, £8.99