His plan is to pack a tent and ‘find his way’. Great
Here is a dilemma surely affecting the many households in which 16-year-olds have just finished their GCSEs and are intent on celebrating.
Should we parents allow these teenagers to set off on a holiday adventure with no adult in tow?
In my family, the sole interest of the resident teenager is to join the hordes of fellow trendies who will flock to north Cornwall in the next couple of weeks, with no real idea of where he should stay, why that should matter, and certainly not why we should worry.
His plan is to pack a tent, a sleeping bag and a guitar and to “find his way”. Great.
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My husband and I have been plagued for weeks with pleas to give the trip a green light. It all started when a group of six booked a flat on the north Cornish coast and issued invitations to their friends. Then another group of five or six took on a house and further impromptu invitations were extended.
There has been a lot of publicity in the past few years about the antics of middle-class kids taking over the beaches for noisy parties and binge-drinking.
Locals have been furious about the litter on the beach and trouble between rival groups from leading independent schools. Police and the local community have written to head teachers urging them to tell parents to keep their kids away.
I was resolutely opposed. I consulted a couple of mothers. They, like me, were unwilling to sanction the trip unless an adult was in charge.
My husband, who roamed the Continent at 16 after his O levels, and long before the days of mobile phones, simply could not understand the fuss.
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I have to admit I too was allowed to go away for a week at the age of 16 – but this was to Tenby in Pembrokeshire, hardly a danger zone now, let alone in the 1970s.
My husband argues that the area around Rock and Polzeath is now probably the safest in the country and that sale of alcohol to the young is strictly controlled. He saw no harm in a camping trip. Many colleagues – men and women – agree with him and think my unspecified fears are holding back a son from a journey of discovery and a lot of fun.
So it’s stalemate – an unhappy one as I feel like a spoilsport and do not wish to be mean.
However, a compromise may now be in sight if I can persuade my older son who has just finished university to chaperone his brother and a couple of friends. He thinks it is pretty sad for a 21-year-old to be seen with such teenyboppers but he is mulling it over.
In any case, it may all be destined never to happen. Today his car won’t start and we won’t know until tomorrow if it can make the journey. And the only campsite we have found has understandably insisted that 16-year-olds sign a contract promising to be in their tents before 11.30pm to prevent noisy returns from the beach in the early morning. Fat chance. VALERIE ELLIOTT
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Taking another child on holiday? Get it in writing
Please,” begged my then 15-year-old daughter, “can we take Stephanie and Anna on holiday with us?” I could see her point. It wasn’t easy having two boisterous brothers as company, and besides, we were returning to a sports resort in Spain that was perfect for guests.
Actually, the word “guest” is the first problem you encounter if you offer to take another person’s child on holiday. The golden rule is to be clear about who is paying for what. We couldn’t afford to treat our daughter’s friends and their parents didn’t expect it but this isn’t always the case. “When we took my son’s 13-year-old friend to Spain, his parents booked the flight but nothing was said about food so we had to pay for all his meals,” confided a friend. “When we returned, I didn’t even get a bunch of flowers or thank-you letter!”
Spelling out financial arrangements, however, pales in comparison with the responsibility of looking after someone else’s precious off spring. This didn’t hit me until I laid down family rules such as being back by 11pm; not leaving the resort without telling us; and no alcohol. All three girls looked at me, horror-struck. “You’re so embarrassing!” hissed my daughter. Was I? All right, then; one drink and an 11.30 curfew.
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Of course, they didn’t stick to it so I stayed up until midnight, waiting for them to come giggling back. To judge from their breath, I was pretty certain that they’d broken the one-drink rule but to be fair, no harm came of it. Far more worrying was when Stephanie got sunburn after using a factor 6 sun cream. I spent the rest of the week applying aloe vera and hoping her parents wouldn’t deem me negligent.
In fact, this is every “host” mother’s nightmare. “We just have one child so we invited our 16-year-old daughter’s friend to Devon with us,” recalled Julia, a mother from St Albans. “One day, I suddenly realised they’d both swum too far out so I dashed out into the sea – fully clothed – to warn them. For a split second, I had this terrible vision of phoning the parents . . .”
Of course, taking another child on holiday can be great fun. We had lots of giggles round the table in the evening and I enjoyed having two surrogate daughters for a week. But what happens if the children fall out as happened to a work colleague whose 17-year-old son took his best friend on a family holiday to France. “They both liked the same local girl and still aren’t talking.”
If it’s your child who’s been asked on holiday, make sure that the parents’ values are the same as yours, advises Dr Pat Spungin, founder of www.raisingkids.co.uk. “Tell them about any special needs such as diet or not being able to swim. And give them a list of emergency numbers.”
Nowadays, it’s also vital to provide a letter of consent for the host parents. Last year, I took my 15-year-old son and his friend to the States but was grilled at passport control about why I had a child in my care who wasn’t my own. We were finally let in but advised to get the parents to fax through a “consent” letter.
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I’d also be wary of inviting a friend who’s under 13. At the risk of sounding wet, I remember going on holiday with a friend’s parents when I was only 11 and feeling horribly homesick.
Even a simple day out can pose problems. If, for example, you invite a child to the theatre, should you expect the parent to pay for the ticket?
Frankly, I wouldn’t but a teacher friend was shocked when her son was invited to Stratford and was then asked for a cheque. “Actually, these parents then shot off for dinner, leaving a pair of 13-year-olds to roam Stratford at night,” said my friend through gritted teeth.
Maybe that’s why this summer, it’s just my son and me who’ll be packing our suitcases. We might well have the odd spat but we’ll only have ourselves to blame . . . JANE BIDDER
Is it time to rediscover boredom?
When Vanessa Chambers, a 38-year-old mother from Brighton, signed up her eight-year-old son, Charlie, to attend a summer camp this year, she felt a mixture of guilt – and elation. “I adore my son but after two summers of tearing my hair out trying to discover exciting trips and activities, I had to admit defeat. Charlie’s first school holidays were a nonstop whirl of outings, prearranged play dates and going away to France. I was convinced that a single ‘gap’ in his holiday reflected badly on me, made me a bad mother. The truth was that I was exhausted emotionally and physically. After the second year I realised that I couldn’t spend every day of every school holiday being an entertainer – or organising entertainment.”
Vanessa faces a dilemma that has become a real problem for parents. Should you involve your child in a merry-go-round of days out, or at the risk of “burnout”, attempt to spend as much time as possible with them? “Some of my friends have actually thought twice about sending their children to private school because of the length of the holidays,” says Vanessa. “Two of my friends are forever complaining that their privately educated children become restless by the end of the summer holidays, and it puts a strain on all the family.”
Morag Groves, general manager of multi-activity Super Camps, says: “With all the current press about the risk of childhood obesity and declining child fitness, activity centres ensure that children are kept active during their school break.”
Dr Gwyneth Doherty-Sneddon, child psychologist at the University of Stirling, believes that holiday activities “can be a positive experience if the children are in a controlled and emotionally supportive environment”. She thinks there are many skills to be gained by such experiences. “Adapting to a new environment is challenging for children, as well as connecting with a new set of people – all these things will develop their social skills, particularly useful for less confident children.”
But whatever the justification, solving childcare issues is indisputedly a reason for sending children to summer camp and we are in danger of using these clubs as a babysitting service. In any case, there are those who argue that endless stimulating activities are unnecessary. Surely a little boredom would do no harm. KATHLEEN NORTH
Useful contacts
Camp Beaumont: 0870 4998787; www.campbeaumont.co.uk
Super Camps: 01235 832222; www.supercamps.co.uk
Stagecoach, drama workshops: 01932 254333 (head office); www.stagecoach.co.uk
Virgin Active Health Clubs: 0845 1304747; www.virginactive.co.uk
Kids Klub Web: 01449 742700; www.kidsklub.co.uk Kids Klub have 11 centres around the country