This morning I woke feeling guilty for having started a totally pointless argument with my husband, at 3am, after a party that began at 7pm. (Are you getting the picture?) But it's okay, because new research shows that couples who argue live longer.
Apparently, it's much more healthy to rant on about something that happened two years ago (I can't be more specific, it's just too embarrassing - okay, it's to do with how much he danced with me at our wedding), than it is to lie there in the dark harbouring murderous thoughts. But then, women have always known that arguments are relationship detoxers that have nothing to do with the argument itself. For example:
The Feeling Fat Argument This one starts brewing because your hair is playing dead, and crystallises when you are getting dressed and realise you look like Miss Piggy's mother. By then you are full of self-loathing and need to find an excuse for a worthlessness-confirming fight. Your partner will sense this coming, so you may have to work hard at provoking it. Eventually, he will say, "You are being a nightmare," and then you're off.
The "You Don't Love Me Enough" Argument This one is fairly straightforward. It starts with a bit of self-flagellation and you comparing yourself negatively to his glamorous ex, but it's actually about wanting all-round reassurance. It could also be the actual, proper "you don't love me enough" argument, in which case he is in trouble, because no proof is enough when you're in this mood.
The Boundaries Argument This is an occasional spat that involves you pushing your luck and him drawing the line. It is always alcohol-fuelled, and how far you take it will depend on your choice and volume of tipple. Typical opening gambits include: "Do you think your brother is gay?" and "Is your boss much younger than you?".
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The Getting Serious Argument This one, which is almost always "about politics", is triggered by PMT, alcohol and/or a mild feeling of frustration. Often, you will think it genuinely is about politics but, as the argument progresses and you are more or less having it on your own, it becomes obvious that this is about you wanting him to get more serious (organise his finances, book the summer holiday), and him demonstrating he will not be bullied.
The Fear of Ridicule Argument He said he would pick up the dry cleaning. You texted him to remind him. He forgot to pick up the dry cleaning. This looks like an argument about unreliability, but, actually, it is about you having to wear your number-three dress to a number-one party where everyone will think that it's your number-one dress.