Q. My new boyfriend is great but he constantly talks dirty during sex and I hate it. It’s as if he needs to do it to get himself to orgasm and doesn’t seem to be anything to do with me. It leaves me feeling disconnected from him, but I don’t want to humiliate him so I’m not really sure how to tackle it.
A. Although “talking dirty” seems to be a common sexual practice, it is not a phenomenon that has attracted much scientific attention. According to a study carried out in 1983 by that oracle of legitimate sex research — Playboy magazine — 40 per cent of males surveyed and 47 per cent of females indulged in dirty talk. In 2011, Playboy conducted a comparative survey online that revealed that 79 per cent of males and 85 per cent of females had “talked dirty” during sex.
Though the response rates probably say more about the demise of niche publishing than they do about sexual behaviour, I was intrigued by the fact that, in both polls, women were more likely to talk dirty than men. It reminded me of a piece of research by Leeds and Central Lancashire universities which revealed that two thirds of women make “conscious” vocalisations during sex in order to hasten their partner’s orgasm. The women’s motivations varied from discomfort or pain to boredom and fatigue, yet despite the apparent negativity of their rationalisations, nearly all of them felt that the noises boosted their partner’s self-esteem.
If women talk dirty to ensure that their partners achieve orgasm, or orgasms more quickly, it’s quite possible that men do it for the same reason. Talking dirty is obviously a turn-on for your boyfriend, and since he has been given no evidence to the contrary, he presumes that his sexy chat works for you too. Although you blame his unwanted pornologue for making you feel disconnected, your own inability to voice your distaste is the real culprit. If you are going to ask him to tone down his sexual commentary, do it outside the bedroom at a time when both of you are feeling relaxed. Use the “I” word, not the “you” word and frame it as a request rather than a criticism and explain that you find it hard to focus on the sensations you are experiencing because you find his voiceover distracting. It is virtually impossible to be fully engaged with a sexual partner when your brain is immobilised by feelings of self-reproach and repulsion.
You hate dirty talk. Other people, including your boyfriend, get off on it. Ultimately, it is a matter of taste but when a couple have opposing views, some form of verbal communication is required. It would have been best if you had just said something six months ago and nipped this whole thing in the bud. Instead, you are dealing with a problem that has grown a taproot and there are only a few ways to reveal your distaste without humiliating him and undermining your relationship. It is possible that talking dirty has become a sexual trigger for your boyfriend. “Classical conditioning” describes how a person learns to make an association between a repeated behaviour (talking dirty) and a reward (orgasm). When this happens, people can become reliant on their triggers. However, these associations can be “unlearnt”. Instead of relating the condition to a reward, the person forms an association between the behaviour (talking dirty) and a less pleasant “consequence”. The idea is, that if you can prevent the conditioned response occurring, you break the habit. In your situation, this would mean that as soon as your boyfriend starts talking dirty, you quit stimulating him, or having sex, in order to prevent his orgasm. It is a convoluted way of saying “shut up”, but I suppose the moral of this mess is that when it comes to sex, telepathy is useless as a form of communication.
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