Q: We’ve always had a good sex life, but my wife’s new job now means our marriage is in a bit of a “ships in the night” crisis. Sex has dropped off the bottom of our priority list, and I’m worried that if we can’t fit in a bit of passion our relationship will be in trouble. Any advice?
A: If this was a longer-term problem I would echo your concern because sex, or its absence, is an accurate barometer of the health of a relationship. However, it’s clear this decline in sex has only occurred since your wife changed jobs. Starting a new job is never easy, especially if the new role comes with increased responsibility. Right now your wife’s No 1 priority will be getting her feet under her new desk, winning over her new team, and proving to herself and everyone else those in charge made the right choice when hiring her. Given the stress she is under, this is definitely not a good time to make her feel bad about your relationship.
Stress, which has a negative impact on libido, is not something your wife can automatically switch off when she comes home at night. Perpetual stress, the kind we experience when we have to perform or prove ourselves, leads to consistently elevated levels of the stress hormone cortisol. More commonly known as fight or flight, it’s an evolutionary response to threat. This worked well when humans were tackling tigers, but it’s a far less effective way of neutralising 21st-century threats, such as whether underperforming in your new job will lead to you getting laid off within the probationary period and unable to pay the mortgage. Basically, when you are striving to play your A game while keeping a lid on catastrophic thoughts, sex doesn’t just drop to the bottom of your to-do list. It falls off it completely.
I know you are worried that the decline in sex predicts a decline in your relationship, but all couples go through periods where sexual frequency ebbs and flows. Technically, sexlessness is defined as having sex fewer than ten times a year, but even then it’s only important when observed through the prism of marital dissatisfaction. The two of you are happy and had a good sex life before her new job, so my advice would be to accept it for a little while longer because how you behave will play a large part in how quickly things return to normal. If your wife feels supported during this period, she will be grateful and keen to show her appreciation in ways that make you happy. If, however, she feels that you are more interested in getting your own needs met than in her wellbeing, she won’t be in any hurry to accommodate you.
Over the next few weeks, instead of thinking about having sex, focus on ways to reduce her stress and increase intimacy. This might be as simple as having a brief hug and holding hands while you go for a walk. In an experiment by Karen Grewen, a professor of psychiatry, neurobiology and psychology at the University of North Carolina, couples who hugged for 20 seconds before being asked to talk about a stressful life event had lower blood pressure than participants who had not hugged before the exercise. Increasing intimacy might simply mean lighting the fire, pouring her a drink and asking about her day when she gets home. It doesn’t really matter how you do it, but if you can keep your emotional connection alive, your sexual relationship will survive and thrive. Ultimately, sex is important, but supporting each other when you are under pressure is much more so.
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