Q I am prone to chronic cystitis, though long-term antibiotics have been helpful. I am in a long-distance relationship with my partner, who enjoys deep penetration, which is painful for me. Though I have never had an orgasm with him, I do not want to hurt him by telling him that I don’t like his style. I am sick of uncomfortable sex and embarrassed that I cannot be less uptight.
A Yours is a brave letter that reveals real inner turmoil. You are in a relationship with a man who doesn’t know that you have never experienced orgasm with him and that lie weighs heavily on your shoulders. Nor does he understand that you find the kind of hardcore penetrative sex that he enjoys painful. Even though it triggers recurrent bouts of painful cystitis, you suffer in silence because your relationship is long-distance and you want him to be happy. You fear his rejection. And you blame yourself for being “uptight”.
Cystitis is only a symptom. The feelings you are trying to bury are causing the real problem. I suspect that you would benefit from some confidence-building cognitive behavioural therapy (rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinformation/therapies/ cognitivebehaviouraltherapy.aspx), but I think it is important for you recognise that, bar cystitis, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.
One in three women has trouble experiencing orgasm during sex with a partner, but three out of three women struggle with the gulf between male and female understanding of what is required to trigger female orgasm being as wide now as it has ever been. As Elizabeth A. Lloyd points out in her fascinating book The Case of the Female Orgasm: Bias in the Science of Evolution, since the mid-20th century there have been 21 different and inconclusive scientific theories on the purpose of the female orgasm. Scientists are perplexed by it, men are bewildered by it and women ... well, we still cannot understand why Mother Nature conspired to put the most sensitive part of our body on the outside rather than on the inside.
In an article for New Scientist magazine in 2003, Shere Hite, the author of the famous Hite Report, explained the problem this way: “During masturbation women choose to stimulate the clitoral or pubic area. Only rarely, in 2 per cent of cases, does it involve vaginal penetration. In other words, the stimulation women give themselves to reach orgasm is — unlike that used by men — radically different from the stimulation most women receive during coitus.”
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When I sent Hite your question she was kind enough to reply. She wanted to emphasise that “it is this limited definition of coitus as sex that is at fault, not women’s bodies: sex should be composed not only of coitus but also of clitoral stimulation, by hand or mouth”. What little consolation you take from those words will, I suspect, be overwhelmed by the terrifying thought of telling your partner the truth, but you do not have to confess to “living a lie”. Far from it. All you need to do is gradually assert yourself in your sexual relationship.
Start by educating yourself. Read The Hite Report, I Love Female Orgasm by Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller, The Elusive Orgasm by Vivienne Cass and my own The Sex Book, and pack a copy of She Comes First by Ian Kerner in your boyfriend’s suitcase the next time he goes away. Reading books about sex will teach you about arousal, your pelvic floor, how to stimulate yourself during penetration, best positions (estronaut.com/a/coital_align_technique.htm), lubricants, sex toys and then some. There is nothing odd, unusual or embarrassing about a woman developing a curiosity about sex, but if your boyfriend queries your sudden interest explain that you are using the time you spend apart to explore ways of improving your sex life so that your relationship can be the best it possibly can.
He is unlikely to take offence. Despite your fears and insecurities, most men want to be good lovers and to make their partners happy, but they don’t always know how. Good luck — and if you need more help get in touch with me privately.
Aphrodisiac foods: eat to keep your pecker up
Saffron Now being taken seriously as an aphrodisiac; an Iranian study that evaluated the effect of Crocus sativus L. (saffron) on male erectile dysfunction demonstrated that crocin does indeed have an aphrodisiac effect in rats.
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Nutmeg Highly prized by Chinese women as an aphrodisiac. In quantity nutmeg can produce a hallucinogenic effect. A light sprinkling in warm pumpkin soup can help to spice up your evening.
Ginger Stimulates circulation, making the tongue tingle and swelling the lips.
Chilli Boosts libido by raising body temperature and increasing heart rate.
Asparagus According to the Vegetarian Society, eaten over three days in a row, asparagus — which contains vitamins A, C and B6, folic acid, potassium, fibre and thiamine — has a powerful effect on libido.
Vanilla The closest match in scent and flavour to human breastmilk in tests done by the neurologist Alan Hirsch, of the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago. The smell of lavender and pumpkin pie, doughnut and black licorice were found to be very effective in increasing penile blood flow, but mature men were most aroused by the smell of vanilla.
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Avocado From the Aztec ahuacatl, which means “testicle tree”, avocado contains vitamin B6, which is said to increase male hormone production. The avocado also contains potassium, which helps to regulate the female thyroid gland.
Oysters An excellent and easily digestible source of zinc, an ingredient that promotes blood flow to every region of the body. A study by the American Chemical Society indicates that eating oysters and other bivalves could raise the levels of sexual hormones. Oysters contain two unusual amino acids D-aspartic acid (D-Asp) and N-methyl-D-aspartate (NMDA), which have been shown to increase production of testosterone.