How would you describe your sexual personality? Did you even know you had one? Your answer is important because the more you know what excites you, and how to get what you want in bed, the more rewarding your love life will be. This is crucial for any relationship, be it long-term or brand new.
That is the message from America’s latest sex guru. Her name is Jaiya and, like Beyoncé and Madonna, she goes by first name only. She’s the sexologist on the new Netflix series Sex, Love & Goop, hosted by Gwyneth Paltrow, in which couples try to fix their intimacy issues.
“Pleasure is a gift we’ve been given. It’s a birthright,” Jaiya tells me from the Colorado home that she shares with her partner, whom she met 14 years ago at a dance class in Venice California, and their 12-year-old son.
“We focus too much on ‘busyness’ — work, work — but life is also about pleasure. It’s about living, and enjoying it.” We need to ask ourselves, she adds firmly, “How can you put pleasure first?”
Striking and elegant with a mane of dark hair, Jaiya, 44, is a somatic sexologist — a discipline that focuses on the link between body and mind during sex. Originally from Ohio, she says she always knew she wanted to become a sexuality teacher: “Really, I just wanted to help people with their sex life”.
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She read somatic psychology and sexology at the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco and has spent the past two decades studying what turns people on. And it’s different for everyone, she emphasises.
Each of us has what she calls an “erotic blueprint,” shaped by our life experiences, both positive and negative. “An erotic blueprint is how we’re wired sexually,” she explains. And understanding this in ourselves and in our partners is a key to better sex.
In the TV series she works with a couple whose sex life is struggling because they believe they have mismatched libidos and he wants more sex than she does. Jaiya helps them to discover this is not, in fact, the case — they simply differ in the processes that turn them on. Tears are shed and their happiness at their ability to reconnect after the therapy session is genuinely touching.
“That we are sexually incompatible is one of the myths I like to bust,” Jaiya tells me. “When you have different erotic blueprints, you are not doomed.” As long as a person is open and willing to learn their lover’s body language — and become more fluent in their own — they can overcome their challenges and sex will be more pleasurable and passionate than ever. “It’s just like learning a language,” she says. “How do we learn our lover’s language?” So to the impatient “Sexual” who is trying to rush a “Sensual”, she might say, “Cleaning up the bedroom and lighting some candles can do wonders for your sex life.”
“The number-one reason people come to see me is there’s some discrepancy in their sex life,” she tells me. “One wants more sex than the other, one is the chaser, one wants more foreplay, one wants quickies.” Even in midlife, she says, many still struggle to express what fuels their desire or even why they have sex — let alone what drives their partner. The result is that they can begin to “flatline in the area of passion and sexual vitality”.
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“Some couples build up resentments, they stop fostering physical connection, they get fixed and unwilling,” she says. Whereas, she points out, if we can understand our arousal — and our partner’s — sex becomes hotter, better, more fulfilling. “We need to keep playing, keep exploring, and keep learning,” is how she puts it.
There are five primary types of erotic wiring, says Jaiya. There’s the Energetic, who loves anticipation; the Sensual, a romantic; the Sexual, a no-frills sort; the Kinky, who adores naughtiness; and the Shapeshifter, who is delighted with all of it. Most partners are different types; indeed, couples are rarely the same. “Usually we are attracted to the opposite,” says Jaiya.
Without awareness, she warns, this can lead to issues in the bedroom. Most of the couples who seek her help are worried that they’re sexually incompatible, she says.
For example, she explains: the Sensual needs time to get into the mood and likes a beautifully set scene — a stuffy, messy room simply won’t do — while Sexuals like to get straight to it. “The Sexual might say, ‘Your anxiety is ruining our sex life, why do you need all this stuff? Why do we need 30 minutes to prepare?’ ” Usually it’s how they’re built, says Jaiya: “It’s nothing to do with their partner, though if you’ve been saying that for years, the resentment can build up.”
To help people determine their type, she has devised an online Erotic Blueprint Quiz, which has already been taken nearly a million times. It includes questions such as: During foreplay, do you A: prefer an emotional loving connection that you can almost physically feel in your chest, eye contact and anticipation of what’s about to happen? B: prefer foreplay to include a hot bath, your favourite music, a massage, or slow deep kisses? C: like power play, dominance, submission, restraint, some kind of edgy fantasy? Or is it D: who needs foreplay, let’s just go for it? Or maybe E: you prefer all of these — you could do all of them on any given day? Those choices then determine what erotic blueprint you have.
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While we tend to assume that men are mostly Sexual, the quiz data has shown that they in fact are evenly spread across all five types, says Jaiya. Women are often assumed to be Sensual but in fact they are primarily Energetic or Sensual.
If you aren’t sure about your own preference, or your partner’s, that’s not unusual, she says. Even sexologists can be surprised, she jokes: “I’m a Sexual and my partner is more Sensual-Kinky.” She recalls how early on in their relationship she’d try to initiate sex by grabbing at his relevant parts and declaring, “Let’s have sex!” “As a Sensual needs a little context for intimacy — say, music and nice lighting — he didn’t respond well. I didn’t understand,” recalls Jaiya. Things became clearer six years into their relationship, when they worked out his erotic blueprint was part-Kinky.
“I talk to people all day long about their turn-ons, and my own partner was harbouring shame about being kinky!”
A person’s blueprint may change over a lifetime, so it’s important to keep learning, she says. “It doesn’t always stay static.” So for anyone who feels their relationship has fizzled out a bit, and could do with more frequent or satisfying sex, she advises returning to being curious about each other.
One of her favourite questions in the quiz is: Why do you have sex? A: to experience something transcendent and connect spiritually? Or B: is it that you want to feel pleasure in your body and connect more deeply in a romantic, emotional way? Or is it C: to step out of norms, do something that feels taboo? Or is it D: to have the release, the orgasm, and feel more relaxed? Or is it E: all of the above? She says: “I hear this a lot: ‘My partner wants to have sex for the sex, I want to have sex for the connection.’”
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Initiate a conversation, she suggests. You might say to your partner: “I read this great article and I’m curious to see what you think about it.” Never say, “We need to talk,” as they’ll tense up and assume something is wrong, she adds. And if misunderstandings have occurred in the past, it’s important not to bring in blame. So you might say: “You haven’t done anything wrong and I’d love to make a request. I’d love to make some time for us to talk about how we could make our sex life even juicier.”
One exercise she gets couples to do is discuss their three “peak erotic experiences” — ideally ones they had with each other — then identify the themes of those experiences. “That helps us to understand what turns the other on,” she explains. The next step is: “How can I give you more of those experiences in our love life?”
The 5 erotic blueprints
The Energetic
This isn’t about being an acrobat with endless stamina. Being Energetic means you are extremely sensitive. “The Energetic is turned on by tease, anticipation, longing, yearning. That moment before you kiss, that moment before you touch,” says Jaiya. An Energetic can’t be rushed and their desire is fuelled by imagination.
“The Energetic has a gentleness, a softness, a slowness — and once you tap into that, the orgasmic possibility is huge because it doesn’t take much,” says Jaiya. They take time to warm up, but a little goes a long way. People often mistake an Energetic for being a little shut down or cold, but this isn’t so at all. But they can quickly become overwhelmed and frozen if at any point during intimacy it feels like too much, too fast, says Jaiya.
How to have better sex The Energetic can find it hard to verbally express what they do and don’t want in sex, says Jaiya. So instead they tend to withdraw. If this is your blueprint, practise speaking up and saying what you want. If you need more time to get into the mood, communicate this. “Our partners cannot mind-read,” she says. And if the Energetic is feeling overwhelmed from too much sensory input, wearing an eye mask during sex can be an effective way of reducing it.
The Sensual
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The Sensual loves taste, feeling, scent and sound. “They love the sensation of skin on skin, or warm oils on the body that smell delicious,” says Jaiya. “The Sensual is turned on by all of their senses being ignited. While the Energetic needs space, the Sensual craves closeness.” They also love movie-style romance such as sex in front of the fireplace. “They bring beauty and creativity to the erotic experience,” says Jaiya. “They’re likely to set the stage — the rugs, candles and music, the flowers.”
However, the mood can be ruined for the Sensual as they can get caught up in their own head, she says: “‘Oh, the pillow’s crooked,’ or ‘I forgot to put on the laundry’ or ‘I forgot to call that person back.’ ” Or they start fretting: “ ‘I hope I smell OK, I hope I look OK.’ ” If these thoughts creep in, they struggle to stay in the moment. The Sensual is particularly susceptible to real life infiltrating the bedroom.
How to have better sex Jaiya says that waiting until the end of a busy day to have sex doesn’t always suit this blueprint. They’re likely to be exhausted or distracted: “ ‘Oh gosh, I’m tired, and now I’m thinking of all of the things on my to-do list that I didn’t get done.’ A Sensual needs a transition into the erotic realm,” she says. “Maybe in the morning do something that makes you feel really sexy or helps your body to relax, rather than at the end of the day or when you’re going to be super distracted.”
The Sexual
“The Sexual is turned on by the standard narrative of sexuality,” says Jaiya. “It’s intercourse, it’s nudity, it’s having orgasms.” It’s not that they lack depth, rather that there’s a true simplicity to their sexuality. “Arousal can come on from 0-60. I see my beautiful partner walk across the room and I’m turned on! I want to have sex with them!” She adds: “Sex is something that they use to relax. Everything is right when they’re having a sexual interaction.”
However, because their sexuality adheres most obviously to cultural norms, they can assume theirs is the only way and fall into a rut. “A Sexual’s moves in the bedroom may become mechanical — ‘We kiss, then we touch here, then we do some oral sex, then we go into intercourse’ — and that becomes how sex is,” says Jaiya. “They get focused on the end goal and miss the journey.” Always getting straight to it, especially in a long-term relationship, can be the kiss of death for their sex life, which can baffle them: “ ‘We’re having orgasms, what’s the problem? Why are you making it complicated?’ ” says Jaiya.
How to have better sex Jaiya’s advice to the Sexual is to be willing to consider that “there’s something more to sex that you haven’t discovered yet”. While all in favour of orgasms, she says, “when we take the focus off that, we discover new pathways to pleasure that maybe we didn’t know existed — from kissing, to licking the back of your lover’s knee”. Or experiment with being less frenetic in bed. “In sex, we think it needs to be both of us doing something. It’s important for a Sexual to ask themselves, ‘How about I just receive? How do I let myself just be in my body and pay attention to what’s happening and what I’m feeling, and experience the pleasure?’ ”
The Kinky
Many would assume this means whips and chains, but while the Kinky is turned on by the taboo, that’s not necessarily 50 Shades-style, it’s whatever is taboo for you. “So you are defining what feels edgy or naughty,” says Jaiya. Within this blueprint are two types, though people can be both. The first type is turned on by the psychological aspect of game play. This person might think: “I’m going to lie back and let my partner take over, and it feels really good to let go of all the things I’ve been in control of throughout the day, and just surrender to this pleasure.” The second type likes an intense sensation, “spanking, or the feeling of ropes, or being bound, or maybe something sharp and scratchy,” says Jaiya.
How to have better sex Sometimes the Kinky doesn’t explore their blueprint because they have deep shame about their turn-ons, says Jaiya. “ ‘Why am I turned on by these things? I shouldn’t like them.’ Or gender plays into it: ‘I’m a man, I shouldn’t want to surrender.’ All these stories come into our brain and tell us that we’re not OK.” To overcome any shame, she advises examining it closely rather than pushing it away, which only tends to make it stronger. We need to explore the very thing putting the brakes on our sexuality, Jaiya says.
The Shapeshifter
The Shapeshifter is turned on by every aspect of sex — sensual, romantic, kinky, hot and heavy, spiritual. Jaiya says: “They love all of it, they want it now, they want it more. They have a huge capacity to up-take pleasure and can go on and on for hours.” And if their partner asks if they’ve had enough, the answer will be “no!” While potentially exhausting, the Shapeshifter speaks the language of every blueprint. “They can mould themselves to be the ultimate lover for anyone,” says Jaiya.
But that has a drawback as often their own erotic needs aren’t fed. Jaiya says: “They’re shape-shifting to please others and they’re the most starving out of all the blueprints.”
How to have better sex Be a bit more selfish. The Shapeshifter needs to rediscover what feels good to them, so they don’t just continue the habit of pleasing other people. A good technique for this is body mapping, where you and your partner use different touches or objects on and around the body, to see how pleasurable they feel. “Let’s say, you take a spoon, and using the flat edge of the spoon, rub it on your partner’s wrist,” says Jaiya. Then ask: “On a scale of one to five how pleasurable is this? One being ‘Don’t like that at all, don’t do it again’ and five being ‘highly orgasmic’.” Jaiya says: “You could go around the whole body with a spoon for an hour; you could use it energetically, hover it just over their arm so it lightly brushes the hairs; you could use it kinkily with light slaps and taps.” She adds: “We’re creating a pleasure map of our body.” This will help the Shapeshifter understand what they really want.
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