Have you heard? Fashion’s getting dirty.
I’m not going to have to dig out my pleather hotpants again am I?
No, no.
I just don’t think I could face it. The talcum powder expenses to squeeze into those nearly bankrupted me in the 1990s.
Oh, wow. No, not like that, mercifully.
Are you going to keep me guessing so I reveal more humiliating stories about what I have to do to get into my clothes?
Don’t think I could stomach it. Your sweaty shorts can stay in the attic. This time it’s trainers. Increasingly “le look” is buying them pre-scuffed.
Like you’ve already worn them to take the dog round the park a few times?
Precisely.
Truly grubby, you mean?
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Yes. Exactly. The eternally chic fashion house Balenciaga is selling a gently blackened pair of green and black sneakers that look about the size of Smart cars.
No.
I keep telling you, yes. And now Vetements — the normcore brand beloved by Kanye West but with distinctly non-normcore prices — has announced it’s selling what looks suspiciously like some dirty Reeboks, but there may be more to it than meets the eye.
But — why?
It’s quite an existential question — you might as well ask why the tides turn.
It’s gravitational pull, you see . . .
No, not literally. What I meant is, there is no rhyme or reason to fashion.
Everyone’s gone mad! There should be protests in the streets! “Down with dirty trainers! Up with . . .”
Up with what?
Wellies! Wax jackets! Washing-machine-compatible plimsolls! Slacks! Even my pleather shorts were wipe-clean.
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Feeling queasy. But you don’t need to laminate your placards yet, there is good news. There’s a chap in America called Jason Markk who is being touted as the next big name in footwear because he sells trainer-cleaning products.
A man I can admire. A great man.
A box of his trainer wipes costs $20.
That’s it. I’m organising a demo on Dover Street Market. I’m prepared to fight dirty.