I seem to be caught in a frustrating, painful loop. I'm in my mid-thirties, and often loving with boyfriends, but also suffer from violent mood swings and a terrible temper. I can't express myself when I'm sad or frustrated, read wrong meanings into innocent actions, then become ridiculously angry and sulk for hours. I initiate the breakdown of relationships, then console myself they weren't right anyway. I hate it, but can't seem to control myself, and watch helplessly as I sabotage my own happiness. I can resolve conflicts professionally and behave lovingly towards my friends, but with boyfriends I'm completely different. I have a perverse need to get them to prove their love and often threaten to leave when what I really want is for them to ask me to stay. I haven't always chosen well. One boyfriend was a chronic liar and another was paranoid and found trust difficult. My greatest regret is treating my decent, kind and loving first boyfriend so badly. My father was a harsh man and emotionally and physically abusive to my mother. How can I stop my behaviour? Do I have a personality disorder?
I am not an expert so I am in no position to make any sort of diagnosis, but as you are so painfully aware of your own behaviour, I think it's highly unlikely that you have a personality disorder. However, it may be that you have some form of mood disorder, hence the violent emotional swings, high levels of irritability, hypersensitivity and a distorted perception of the intentions of others.
Mood disorders are both bewildering and distressing, and your description of being aware of your own behaviour, and yet feeling powerless and helpless in the face of it, is symptomatic. We can, to a point, control mood disorders in environments where we feel safe and in control (work and friendships), but in intimate relationships, which, by their very nature, can be unpredictable and may make us feel vulnerable and exposed, they can ratchet up to the point of being destructive and, as you say, self-sabotaging.
Mood disorders can be triggered by a variety of factors, from erratic chemicals in the brain to deep-seated emotional patterns. In order to rule out the first, I suggest you consult a good psychiatrist (via your GP), and by that I mean a psychiatrist who is familiar with the latest research and newer medications such as mood stabilisers. Don't be afraid to describe your symptoms in minute detail. Mood disorders are a complex field; the more information we can give experts, the more they are able to help.
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If you have an underlying depression, which can also trigger irritability and rage, antidepressants can help. My own experience has taught me that a combination of mood stabilisers and antidepressants effects an almost miraculous levelling of my mood. I must stress that I am speaking only from personal experience and, as we are all different, and mental disorders vary enormously, I am suggesting a psychiatric diagnosis only because I have found it so helpful that I feel it's worth considering.
Given your upbringing, I suspect therapy would also help enormously. A harsh father who was physically and emotionally abusive (and who may himself have suffered from some sort of mood disorder, hence his tendency to rages) may have set up patterns of destructive behaviour, particularly in your intimate relationships. We learn from our parents, and what we learn is not always helpful. If we have learnt that bullying and abuse are at the heart of relationships, we can carry those lessons for a lifetime.
We may hurt others badly, but we also hurt ourselves, so it is worth challenging our most deep-seated emotional patterns. I've always felt that knowledge is power, so awareness (together with a determined willingness to change) can help us to moderate our responses. However, as we are often unconscious of the root of our most destructive behaviours, we need help and guidance to alter them. It is not easy to change, but it is possible.
The tendency to leave relationships (with an underlying desire for people to stop us from doing so) may also indicate a fear of abandonment. If we have a profound fear of abandonment, we abandon before we can be abandoned and then, as you put it, console ourselves (in other words, unconsciously justify ourselves) that the relationship wasn't right anyway. That pattern may possibly come from a father who emotionally abandoned you in favour of his rages, or, in other words, felt his needs were more important than yours.
As your primary male role model, he may also have set up expectations that the men you are closest to will not show you loving kindness or generosity and, if they do, you feel you don't deserve it, so you push them away. If you also felt your father didn't love you, it might have instilled in you a perverse need for men to prove their love. It's a cry for unconditional love, like a child challenging a parent to love them, no matter how bad their behaviour. I can sense from your letter how upset and frightened you feel, so I just want to reassure you that there is help available, as long as you're willing to seek it out.
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Visit bacp.co.uk to find a therapist. If you have a relationship question for Sally, email sally.brampton@sunday-times.co.uk. In case of publication, names will be withheld. We're sorry, but Sally cannot answer letters personally