It’s an outmoded notion, apparently, that after a hard day’s rabble-rousing the dedicated anti-globalist prefers to repair to his yurt with his three common-law wives, where they cut each other’s hair and make challenging dishes from mung beans and cheesecloth. Your modern insurrectionist, it seems, can be affluent and cultured.
“Many of them are professionals living in London and the southeast of England,” said Graham Birse of the Edinburgh & Lothians Tourist Board. “They have jobs, they have mortgages and they have kids, just like the rest of us. They are not full-faced, motorcycle-helmet-clad anarchists looking to make trouble in someone else’s city.”
Setting aside the question of why a full-faced anarchist is any worse than a partially faced one, it’s clear the board hopes that once the protesters have been to Gleneagles and shouted at world leaders, they will hop on their compost-powered tricycles and zip over to the capital for some quality downtime, enjoying many of the sybaritic indulgences the oppressed peoples of the world would want too, if only they were wealthy London-based professionals.
Happily, it seems the malcontents appreciate this thoughtfulness. “If people want to combine protesting with walking or sailing or wandering round Edinburgh,” said Stop the War Coalition’s spokesperson, Lindsey German, “then I’m sure people in Scotland will welcome them doing so.”
How right she is: the economic migrants on minimum wage in Edinburgh’s service industry will be delighted to offer these customers Chilean wine, seabed-despoiling salmon and souvenir T-shirts made in Korean sweatshops before they all enjoy a visit to one of the many Edinburgh attractions that celebrate the picturesque torture of medieval peasants named Torcuil. Or they could embark on one of the well-intentioned tours we have helped organise, such as:
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Edinburgh — City of Contrasts: A comprehensive tour of the capital’s many exemplary tea shops, combined with opportunities to lambast proprietors who condone inhumane labour policies on Sri Lankan plantations. Includes a lunch break at Kentucky Fried Chicken.
The Life Aquatic: The beauty and splendour of the undersea world are celebrated on this tour of Lothian aquariums and sea-life centres. Visitors will have the chance to talk ethics with a squid, followed by a fish tea in the canteen.