The whiter the bread, the quicker you’re dead, so the saying goes. And apparently a small but significant number of us have decided against a premature demise; while brown batch purchases have risen by 6 per cent and seeded bread by 9 per cent, white bread sales are on the slide.
A wholemeal bloomer is an aspirational loaf but a tranche of tiger bread is a naughty and frivolous crumb. As for the plain white slice, it is the rubbery pariah of the starch world. Gone are the days when the staple of a child’s lunch box was a hunk of cheese and pickle flanked by two spotless, virginal slices of the stuff. The NSPCC would probably be notified now.
But in the same way that a world without spiders would be overcome by flies, a life without sliced white would be dogged with difficulties. Here are some things that wouldn’t exist without a humble slice of white:
Bread and butter pudding. We never could wait until the loaf went stale before covering it with custard, baking, and serving with more custard. And, lest you scorn such a plebeian treat, posh summer pudding would be nothing without the mighty white.
The bacon butty. White bread has unique absorbent properties. Without it one would never see the reassuring seepage of carbon-flecked yellow grease, balm for beer-ravaged stomachs.
Advertisement
Croutons. Starchy, greasy and liable to take your teeth with them, but who wants them speckled with seed?
Breadcrumbs. Chicken Kiev was never meant to be brown.
Artistic amendments. If the little eraser has fallen off the tip of your pencil, a ball of white bread will do instead.
No more tears. A piece of white bread between the teeth and chopping onions becomes a cinch (brown bread works, too, but looks all wrong).
Marmalade. It’s back in fashion, it’s just not right on granary, and crumpets can’t have all the fun. Just ask Paddington Bear: “Live fast, die young” is clearly his motto.