THEY have ways of making you hang on the phone. Five reasons to hate conference calls . . .
Reason one: Everyone in the office is asked to be quiet because you have a Very Important Phone Call. Sadly, they know it really means that your meeting was felt to be too unimportant for anyone actually to attend.
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Reason two: Of course you can’t see your fellow participants — but you can hear their strange sounds. Welcome Sam the Sinus Woman, Derek the Trainee Dalek, Hannah the Heavy Breather and Tom the Teeth Grinder. You either stop breathing so that everyone thinks you’re dead, or attempt to engage in small talk: “Er, did you have a long journey to the telephone?”
Reason three: It might sound exciting but, sorry, it’s just another boring meeting. Except that there’ll be no opportunity for anyone to: (a) complain about poor biscuit selection; (b) spill coffee down a neighbour’s crotch, accidentally of course; or (c) deal with your colleague’s hair-extension crisis.
Reason four: There’s no place for obvious body language such as staring blankly or kicking someone under the table. Instead participants must resort to verbal signals which include “mmmm” (look everyone, I’m thinking), “yes” (I thought I ought to say something. Can I go home now?), and a bad coughing fit with death rattle (I’m choking on my blackcurrant Tune. Save me.).
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Reason five: Everyone must sound unnaturally clear and stilted like a bad episode of The Archers. No one must interrupt anyone else lest they have to start their ten-minute monologue on payroll analysis again. The person with the most boring voice always gets his or her own way — agreed with a verbal sign from the others. This is usually “zzzzzzz”.
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Next week: Away days
Malcolm Burgess is the author of 500 Reasons Why I Hate the Office, published by Icon Books. Order it from Times Books First for £9.49 (free postage in the UK). Call 0870 1608080 or visit www.booksfirstbuy.co.uk