Mandarins, in a fruit sense, are small, sweet, thin-skinned and fall to pieces easily. The Whitehall mandarin, whose name derives from Chinese bureaucrats rather than the Citrus reticulata, is the exact opposite. You can’t squeeze much out of a cabinet secretary.
Sir Jeremy Heywood was hauled before the public administration committee yesterday to answer for his ruling that civil servants will be banned from giving Eurosceptic ministers anything that might help the Leave campaign. Let’s get this done quickly, Bernard Jenkin, the chairman, said. We’ll give pithy questions, if you give pithy answers. Sir Jeremy beamed obligingly. Everyone knows how hard it is to take the pith out of a mandarin.
And don’t go using your Jedi mind tricks on us, Mr Jenkin added. “This morning Sir Jonathan Stephens [the permanent secretary at the Northern Ireland office] gave us answers to questions that hadn’t been asked.” Sir Jeremy nodded. “Textbook,” he muttered.
Your guidance, Mr Jenkin said, is unconstitutional, unfair and downright sneaky. Sir Jeremy disagreed. It is all very clear, he purred, using that soft, rapid way of speaking that civil servants employ when they want to make it seem they are saying more than they have.
Civil servants can still give facts to Eurosceptic ministers, Sir Jeremy insisted. What they can’t do is give briefing. “It’s all very clear,” he repeated. Clear as wet fudge.
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What he seemed to concede was that Michael Gove and Co may ask their minions to dig out information that might be helpful to Brexiteers. But perish the idea that they should use it for that purpose. The best way to achieve this is not to write “briefing” at the top. Nor can civil servants knit this into a speech.
They can’t provide anything that might be used to attack the government, he added. “Otherwise the civil service would be literally tying itself in knots.” That misplaced “literally” may indicate inner turmoil — Bernard Woolley would never have let that solecism pass — but all was calm above the surface.
Cheryl Gillan (C, Chesham & Amersham) was concerned about Downing Street asking for pro-Remain statistics from departments without telling their ministers. “That happens all the time,” Sir Jeremy said. “It’s impossible for ministers to know everything that’s going on in their department.”
“I did,” Ms Gillan, a former secretary of state for Wales, said. Sir Jeremy gave the sort of smile that said: “I’m glad you thought you did.”
And what will you do if a civil servant breaches those rules? asked Kate Hoey (Lab, Vauxhall). Sir Jeremy said he wouldn’t go into hypotheticals. Have a go, Ms Hoey insisted. “Well, we’d look at it in the round using a commonsense approach,” Sir Jeremy said. “What does that mean?” Ms Hoey asked.
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“Could your guidance have been clearer?” David Jones (C, Clwyd West) suggested. “I’m always happy to receive feedback,” Sir Jeremy said. “So will you rewrite it?” Mr Jones asked. “No,” Sir Jeremy said. “It’s all very clear.”
The session finished with Mr Jenkin’s thanks. “You have been very helpful,” he said. “I suspect that worries you.” Sir Jeremy smiled. “I’m glad you thought I was,” he may have whispered.