★★☆☆☆
The 1990s pop star turned footballer’s wife turned cursed Strictly Come Dancing contestant turned . . . what? After a 50-minute show more suited to a cruise ship than a King’s Cross nightclub, the answer remained elusive.
Louise — née Nurding, then Redknapp — has become a tabloid staple since a stint on Strictly in 2016 apparently prompted the end of her marriage to Jamie Redknapp. Her decision to return to the job that made her famous — first as a member of the girl group Eternal, then as a platinum-selling solo star voted the world’s sexiest woman by the lads’ mag FHM — has been described as brave and foolish.
Here it was hard to tell whether the 43-year-old was serious about staging a comeback or just trying to increase her column inches. Despite having signed a publishing deal the previous day, she had no new songs in her set list. Nor had much effort been made to update her old hits. Most betrayed their age by their pace — today’s frothy pop canters along by comparison. The opener, Arms Around the World, a disco hit in 1997, sounded stuck in third gear.
Having a real band helped — ditto three large-lunged backing singers — but this was a throwback show in every sense. The backdrop was a glitzy gold curtain better suited to bingo. Louise’s shiny black suit and sparkly bra recalled an age when singers dressed up on stage. Her stupidly high stiletto heels made her totter as though she were heading to the bar for a sneaky second prosecco. Even the way she held her microphone — four stiff fingers that would have sent Craig Revel Horwood into a rant about hands — was retro.
What Louise hasn’t lost is her ability to sing. She was strong on the ballad Light of My Life and bold on a bare All That Matters, accompanied by solo acoustic guitar. A surprise highlight was her cover of Kehlani’s Bright, a song she confessed she had heard on the radio on the school run. Its heart-on-sleeve lyrics chimed with her image as a mother in search of reinvention, and for once she sang with soul. If she can source more material of that ilk a successful comeback isn’t out the question.
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The crowd, however, were here for the hits. Eternal’s Just a Step from Heaven and Stay got the dancing started, while Louise’s own 2 Faced and Naked were fun, albeit terribly tame by today’s standards. She closed with Let’s Go Round Again, the Average White Band track with which she had a Top Ten hit two decades ago. Her chances of repeating the feat? Slim.