“I CAN’T believe the change in him since I’ve not been there,” said Carole Caplin, unwittingly, to the News of the World this weekend. “I got him off coffee, alcohol and he’s gone into all those things again.”
Caplin was talking about the Prime Minister, and one can only speculate as to how much nicer the poor man’s life must be without her.
But now that she’s blown the whistle on his decline, will Cherie be cracking down in her place? We drink a fair bit of wine ourselves, we tell the Downing Street press office. Perhaps we could offer Tony some tips on how to remain undetected? We picked them up at public school.
“I’m sorry, we don’t have any comment to make on that story,” says a spokeswoman.
Give us a moment. We’re just back from lunch, and we’re gargling toothpaste. Where were we? Ah yes. Red wine can be decanted into Ribena bottles, and white, if you are cunning, can be passed off as apple juice. Are you getting this down? “I don’t think I’m going to be able to help you any further. Thank you for your call. Goodbye.”
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Wait. We’ve found this wonderful walking stick on the internet. You unscrew the handle and there’s this flask and . . . Hello? Hello?
Wonder drug
More belated “revelations” about Diana, Princess of Wales, courtesy of her old faith healer, Simone Simmons. Apparently Diana once took cocaine but it made her ill, prompting her to help drug addicts, with her boyfriend Dodi Fayed the chief among them. According to Ms Simmons, “what kept them together for those short weeks was Diana’s determination to wean him off drugs”. Very worthy. Less worthy, if you believe Ms Simmons’ new book, is her failure to sack the butler Paul Burrell after finding him snooping in her papers.
Picture perfect
A supermodel in a photo booth? Never. Arriving in Dublin last week, Linda Evangelista, a face of MAC cosmetics, was told that her passport (Canadian, like her) had expired. Irish Customs officials agreed to let her in, providing she got the thing renewed before attempting to fly home. Rather than nip down to a chemist and choose the best from a strip of four, Evangelista arranged for a MAC makeup artist, hairstylist and photographer to shoot a new mugshot. No doubt it still makes her look like a serial killer. They always do.
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Ps
Why were US rockers the Killers late on stage at Glastonbury on Friday? According to singer Brendan Flowers, they stopped off at Stonehenge and left their guitarist behind. Back on the bus, they were too busy watching Caddyshack to notice. How positively Spinal Tap.
Bells ring as we hear of Sting’s plan to use Spitting Image puppets at Live 8 in a version of Every Breath You Take with the chorus changed to “We’ll be watching you”. Those with long memories might recall him doing exactly the same thing in 1984, on Spitting Image itself, with a song called Every Bomb You Make.
How did Nicole Kidman land the role of the nose-twitching Samantha in the movie remake of the 1960s series Bewitched? Nothing to do with her acting, according to the director, Nora Ephron. “I instantly thought the resemblance between Nicole’s nose and Elizabeth Montgomery’s nose was perfect,” she says.
Speaking of noses, Michael Jackson’s rumoured plan to launch his career anew in Europe has hit a snag — his passport has gone missing. The singer handed it in to the district attorney more than a year ago, and the DA seems to have lost it. Keep an eye on eBay.
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Andrew Pierce is away
people@thetimes.co.uk