Memo to all pet owners: please find attached the judge’s comments before sentencing at the Old Bailey in Regina v Family Smith brought under the Animal Welfare Act 2006.
It is with profound disgust that I have sat through this case. Rarely have tales of such wilful inhumanity been heard in this courtroom. The treatment of your cat presents such a grievous breach of his legal freedoms that it is no surprise that the jury took only seven minutes to decide your guilt. His sleeping arrangements were clearly unsatisfactory.
Your failure to acquire an approved cat bed, forcing him to choose between sofa, armchair, rug or human bed was, in retrospect, where things began to go wrong. The toileting facilities were little short of deplorable, with no attempt to provide any garden screening for the wretched creature. The top of your fence was beginning to rot and you had made no attempt to lay cushions on either side to provide a soft landing in the event of a fall. The bell round his neck denied him any chance of experiencing the natural joys of slaughter. Your refusal to explain Su Doku, and carefree attitude to his being used as a scarf by small girls, was indefensible.
While a cat’s self-respect is not explicitly covered by the current legislation, I shall be writing to the Environment Secretary recommending that she outlaw obviously demeaning names. What chance did Tiddles have? I hereby sentence you all to six weeks’ confinement after which you will be released under licence. Tiddles will be given a new identity and allowed to make a fresh start in more suitable accommodation.