Paul Whitehouse and The Fast Show fan who became his wife

We only got married five years ago. I had a very traumatic childhood and have hyperarousal, which means I’m sensitive to my surroundings. Paul has always managed my turbulence very well. When I was ten my dad — I called him the sperm donor — got arrested when he came back from the 1990 World Cup in Italy with a million pounds’ worth of heroin in the roof of the car. We lived in Hackney, east London, in a house that was unbelievably chaotic, full of abuse. I’m the youngest of three, all different dads, and while my mum was loving and fiercely protective, she just couldn’t protect herself.

I have PTSD, ADHD, OCD, ACE [adverse childhood experiences], all the letters! I know what you’re thinking, “That Paul Whitehouse, he must be one lucky man!” People do ask how he puts up with me; I often ask it of myself. I certainly keep him on his toes with all my stress. I’m on edge a lot but he is a great human being and has always been so incredibly and infinitely patient with me. He’s very calm and makes me laugh a lot.

These days he spends a lot of time with Bob Mortimer, whom I admire a great deal. It’s so lovely to see such a genuinely close friendship, especially as they were both so unwell with their heart conditions [Whitehouse had three arterial stents inserted in 2010; Mortimer had a triple heart bypass in 2015]. Their TV show, Gone Fishing, has given him a lifeline. I don’t fish with him — not my cup of tea — but we do go to the football together. Trouble is, he’s Tottenham, I’m Arsenal.

Paul with Bob Mortimer in the Scottish Highlands for an episode of Gone Fishing, 2022

BBC

Our daughter, Delilah, 11, is amazing. Even though I was born here, my mum is Turkish, I feel very Turkish and want Delilah to as well, so I only speak Turkish to her at home. Paul doesn’t, he’s a refusenik, but he’s the most hands-on father, a billion per cent. He’s also very good at not buying into my dysregulation and that’s difficult for someone to do. He’s pretty amazing.

Paul

When did Mine and I first meet? I can’t really remember, to be honest. But I do remember her mum coming up to me in the street for an autograph. I went into the shop she was working in some time later and Mine said, “That autograph was for me.” She’ll have a better memory about what actually happened after that than me, and she’ll likely tell you about it too.

See, Mine is very open, she likes to share stuff. I’m very much the opposite. I’m more guarded and don’t really like talking about my private life. It’s not for public consumption, that’s how I feel about it.

However, I do think that Mine’s achievements in life and in work are extraordinary. She had a really tough childhood and to have gone from the Holly Street Estate in Hackney — not a place for shrinking violets — to where she is now is no small thing. She has a doctorate, an MA, a BA and is doing all this incredible work with ADHD. She specialises in the neuroscience of the developing mind. She will happily challenge the perceived wisdom and debate anything with anyone. She’s fascinated by the construction of the brain. The synapses number in the trillions. That’s amazing, isn’t it?

Mine’s work is very current. ADHD is prevalent right now — and in the comedy world too. I went to a comedy show recently where four of the six comedians started their sets by saying they had ADHD. I’ll be honest, it made me think about myself. Do I have it? Either I’ve gone undiagnosed for years or there’s a particular personality trait in most performers that puts them firmly in the ADHD camp. I’ve never considered myself to have it, but maybe that’s more because of the generation I’m from. I’ve often wondered what compels seemingly intelligent and well-balanced — OK, fairly well-balanced — people to travel round the country trying to make a possibly hostile crowd laugh. Is that ADHD? Or are they simply compensating for shortfalls elsewhere in life?

I think Bob and I are conscious of the level of recognition we’ve had over Gone Fishing. It’s quite a surprise, though. I don’t think we’ve had quite that level of recognition before. Well, maybe when the Harry Enfield stuff was at its height. But it’s a wider age range with Gone Fishing. They see two vulnerable old fools trying to bluster their way through the inevitability of old age. People see that even though we are on that journey, we are having a bit of a laugh over it, at least.

I’m in touch with all my girls on a daily basis [Paul has three daughters from previous relationships]. I’ve told each of them not to grow up, but they’ve gone and done it anyway. Delilah’s just the same — she’s not listening to me! She’s an angel, though, and a great footballer. She scored a goal from the halfway line the other day. Very proud, we were.

Mine might tell you I’m calmer than she is, which is nice of her to say. I am more placatory. She can be quite confrontational, especially about injustice, when a lot of the time it’s maybe better just to leave it alone.

I’m very comfortable. I don’t have to worry about stuff particularly, but I keep working and doing things like Gone Fishing and Only Fools and Horses the Musical. They are at very different sides of the spectrum. Now that’s an interesting choice of word, spectrum! But no, I haven’t got a Ferrari. I live in London, so I’d only be able to drive it at 20mph anyway.

Strange habits

Paul on Mine
She shakes and blows into her wineglass to rid it of any dust, germs or evil spirits before a drop of plonk can be poured into it

Mine on Paul
He’s prone to hum in moments of stress

October is ADHD Awareness month. Maya’s ACE Adventures!: A Story to Celebrate Children’s Resilience Following Adverse Childhood Experiences by Dr Mine Conkbayir (Taylor & Francis £12.99). To order a copy go to timesbookshop.co.uk. Discount available for Times+ members