No 89: PARROTING THE TRUTH
Who’s a pretty boy, then?
Thank you, that’s very kind. But you have to be careful when you say that. You never know who might be listening, as one Suzy Collins of Leeds found to her cost. Did you hear the story?
Give it to me, you handsome devil.
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Suzy’s boyfriend, Chris Taylor, began to suspect that his girlfriend was cheating on him when his parrot, Ziggy, starting squawking “Hiya Gary” in her voice whenever her mobile rang. When the parrot said “I love you, Gary” he confronted her and she confessed to having a fling with a former colleague, called Gary.
Naughty, naughty girl.
Yes, she was. And she should have known that parrots, with their extraordinary ability to mimic humans — there’s one in New York with a vocab of 1,000 words — can land people in hot water. A cheeky African grey on board HMS Lancaster once told a lady-in-waiting to the Queen she was a “slag” and had to be kept out of earshot when the Queen came on board because of his habit of telling top brass to “f*** off”. And a vicar in Norfolk got into trouble when his parrot wolf-whistled at nuns . . .
P*** off, mate.
That’s the line that got a parrot sacked from a panto in Dorset. He was supposed to be Captain Flint, Long John Silver’s parrot, but instead of saying “pieces of eight!” he turned the air blue. That reflects the bad habits of the owners. After all, as you know, parrots repeat only what they hear at home.
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Want to see me in my leathers, Sven?
What? What are you on about? Has he been here? I thought I didn’t recognise half the stuff you’ve come out with this morning.
Oooh yes, big boy! Quick! Quick! Before me ‘usband gets home. He’s not a man, he’s a mouse. I’m going to leave him soon. Come ‘ere, you brute. Take me to Dubai and back.
Do say: Repeat after me: “I’m saying nothing.”
Don’t say: Now, Polly, I’m going to tell you a secret. You mustn’t tell my husband about this . . .