No 96: PUBLIC SPEAKING
What on earth are you wearing?
It’s my best black negligée with the rose trim, darling. The one you gave me last Christmas.
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I can see that. But why are you wearing it now? It’s Thursday.
Well, you know. I thought we might . . .
Don’t be ridiculous, woman. It’s a week night in January and I have a big day tomorrow. If you think I’m going to work my way throught the Top 10 Cosmo sex asanas the night before my big speech to the board, then you’ve been watching too much Desperate Housewives. Who do you take me for, Brad Pitt?
Relax, darling. I was just trying to help. It says here that PVI can significantly reduce stress levels in individuals under pressure.
Sorry? PVI?
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Penile-vaginal intercourse. It used to be called sex. But now that it’s the subject of a bona fide scientific research programme, it’s been reclassified as a three-letter acronym. Isn’t it thrilling?
Not as much as that negligée. D’you think you could change back into your usual trackie bottoms? I really do need to get some sleep tonight.
But darling, don’t you want to give it a try? Fancy a little “appliance of science” (coy giggle)?
Well, I suppose a little fooling around wouldn’t hurt . . .
No, it has to be full PVI or it won’t work. PSA doesn’t count.
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PSA?
Partnered sexual activity. You know, without the “I” bit. Apparently, if you only do PSA it doesn’t have the same benefits. It’s because of the oxytocin.
Now I’m really confused. Oxywhat?
Oxytocin. It’s the endocrinal equivalent of Barry White. If he’s the walrus of love, this is the hormone of love. It has been shown to play a significant part in helping to maintain healthy interpersonal relationships.
Hmm. I don’t know about oxytocin but I know about black satin . . . come here.
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Do say: Yet more proof that humans are deeply complex beings.
Don’t say: Just another excuse to get some smut in the paper.