No 105: KARL LAGERFELD
Daaarling, there you are. Love the outfit. West Side Story meets Ancient Egypt meets The Matrix, right? Go on, spill, spill spill.
It’s, er, George at Asda, actually. Why have you started calling me darling?
Sweetheart! Please don’t be a bore. We’re at New York Fashion Week, front row seats, and don’t look now but Uma Thurman is sitting three people down from you to the left, really looking her age! I think I see wattle! Everybody knows she has everything airbrushed.
But what are we doing here? And do you have to be so shallow?
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Shallow, schmallow. Do you want to be doing Pass Notes on Leo Sayer for the rest of your life? You should be grateful. We’re here for Karl’s show. Oh God, there’s Rachel Weisz. I’m loving the Narciso Rodriguez dress, but she’s a bit on the heavy side if you ask me.
She’s pregnant, you imbecile. Karl who?
Karl who? Look, do you always have to make a point of embarrassing me? There is only one Karl, Karl Lagerfeld. We’re here for his show — it’s going to be the most controversial thing on the planet.
Can’t wait.
Oh, get over yourself. It’s all over the New York Times style pages. His new collections have the appearance of “a first born child of two parents who look nothing alike”. That’s not a compliment, by the way. He’s not had time to design his New York collection himself. That’s been left to his top stylist, Melanie Ward. His instructions were: cool, urban, modern, effortless.
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Isn’t that what people like Jennifer Lopez do when they bring out their own collections?
You’re catching on. The clothes designed in New York will bear the label Karl Lagerfeld, priced $475 for a dress, $275 for jeans, $155 for a T-shirt — but does anyone want to wear a collection with Karl’s name on it but which wasn’t designed by him?
Can we go home after the show?
What, to cold, dull, Britain? To sit in that tiny office churning out Pass Note after Pass Note about Baked Potatoes and Cycle Helmets?
My feet hurt in these high heels.
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Go back to Davina McCall and bendy buses?
I miss chocolate HobNobs.
Oh, OK then.