No 98: ANIMAL RIGHTS
Hello, dear, how was your day?
Nightmare. My train was delayed and I missed my meeting. Where’s the cat? It’s due a damn good kicking.
I wouldn’t do that if I were you.
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Why not?
The Animal Welfare Bill. It’s a new wheeze from the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs.
Oh no. What spurious legislation have they been wasting taxpayers’ money on?
It’s a new Bill to prevent the mistreatment of animals. Every pet is entitled to five legally binding freedoms. Somehow I don’t think getting a good kicking is one of them.
How ridiculous. What’s the point of owning a cat if you can’t kick it. Look, I promise to take my shoe off.
No, that absolutely won’t do. Violence towards felines — or any other domestic animal — is definitely not allowed. But you could try talking your problems over with the cat.
But it can’t understand what I’m saying.
Maybe, maybe not. But Defra says your cat should have plenty of things to stimulate it mentally. It is up to you, the owner, to ensure that it does not become bored or frustrated. Talking through your problems would kill two birds with one stone: you’d get things off your chest, and Tiddles would have an intellectual challenge.
Ah, so I can’t kick the cat, but I can still kill birds, can I? Where’s my air rifle . . .
It was a figure of speech. But you’re right to pull me up on it. After all, you can’t be too careful.
Why, it’s just you and me here. And the cat.
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Ah yes, but Defra is setting up a network of “pet police”. I wouldn’t want them to arrest me on suspicion of malice towards birds.
I’ve had enough. I’m going to bed.
You can’t.
Why ever not?
Well, Defra says one’s cat must sleep in a comfortable, dry place. So I’ve given Tiddles the bedroom.
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Do say: This long-awaited legislation will confirm Britain’s status as a nation of pet-lovers.
Don’t say: Oh come off it, they’re only dumb animals (that’s no way to talk about a Government department).