No 90: THE VEIN CAMPAIGN
You can’t keep a politician down in Minnesota, I hear.
Not without a stake through the heart.
Pardon?
A bloke’s standing for State Governor on behalf of the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party. Jonathon Sharkey promises he’s not going to hide his evil side, either, unlike other candidates.
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Ouch, that’s a bit below the belt.
The neck. I think he’d prefer the neck. Mr Sharkey, who’s known as “The Impaler”, says he drinks blood.
Isn’t that illegal?
Not in Minnesota, apparently. Different licensing laws altogether, and he is 41.
But this isn’t serious? It’s just the Monster Raving Loony Party’s US cousin, Screaming Lord Dracula.
Don’t bet on it. Minnesota’s a Midwest state with a reputation for choosing . . . how shall I put it, colourful governors, including Jesse “The Body” Ventura, a wrestler. Rivals made the mistake of treating his largely policy-free campaign as a joke. He was elected in 1998.
So, what platform is Mr Impaler standing on: extended blood-bank hours? Making Bat out of Hell the new state song?
Well, the manifesto’s not set in stone . . .
Congealed, you mean.
Quite. Mr Sharkey’s waiting until the next Friday 13th before fleshing things out. And I choose my words carefully.
Well, he’s another bleeding-heart liberal, I expect, all for letting people do what they want.
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Au contraire, except for the bleeding, obviously. He’s tough on crime and, if elected, could make Minnesota the first state to impale terrorists, rapists and drug dealers. He’s got policies on benefits for war veterans, tax breaks for farmers and improving education, too.
But would he tolerate those who don’t share his beliefs, who presumably include a few voters?
Mr Sharkey has made it plain that while he worships Lucifer, he’s got nothing against Christians. God, though, is his “mortal enemy”. But as he’s not on the electoral roll, that shouldn’t be a problem politically.
Do say: Every vote counts, but not always everybody asking for them.
Don’t say: It’s high time blood-sucking and evil were properly represented.