No 103: THE LOW-CALORIE POTATO
I’ll have a baked potato with beans and cheese — hold the butter, please.
No need to hold the butter, darlin’. We’ve got the Vivaldi on today.
What? Classical music in greasy spoons? What’s wrong with the traditional soundtrack of downmarket cafés, such as the soothing lilt of Magic FM, the chorus of red-tops rustling between fat fingers as they repeatedly fall open on Page 3, the symphony of slurps from under a builder’s helmet, and the scrape of mismatched cutlery on Formica?
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No, sweet’eart, the Vivaldi potato. The slimmer’s potato that has a third fewer calories than a normal potato, a third less carbohydrate and a buttery taste to boot. Took nine years to develop, the papers say, but don’t worry. They ain’t mouldy.
It isn’t one of those genetically modified Frankenfoods, is it, made by shoving fish genes into the DNA of a tomato?
What do you take me for, darlin’? Only proper food in ‘ere, like chips ‘n’ burgers. No, the Vivaldi was cross-bred in the usual way, for taste.
Spudtastic! Actually, I didn’t know there was such a thing as a slimmer’s potato.
That’s right, petal. Baked tats have a higher glycaemic index than table sugar, which means they release glucose quickly into the bloodstream. Eating them cold reduces the GI index. I tried serving cold spuds once, but the builders threatened to moon at my customers. Not that anyone would be able to tell the difference.
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For someone whose right arm is welded to a deep-fat fryer, you seem remarkably well-informed. Does the Vivaldi offer any other nutritional benefits?
Same levels of vitamin C, proteins and other nutrients, I’m afraid. So, angel, shall I slap on the Anchor?
Go on then. And where can I buy this golden wonder?
In Sainsbury’s. You know, the Jamie Oliver empire. Pukka, ain’t he, with his school dinners campaign? Anyway, I better get some chips on — the schoolkids start arriving any minute.
Don’t say: Do those come fried?
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Do say: I can’t believe it’s not got butter on.