NO 198: ROUGH BRITAIN GUIDE
(British tourist board, head office. Weekly strategy meeting)
Good morning all. This week we shall be unveiling an exciting new initiative: the Rough Britain Guide. Derek, would you care to explain.
Thank you. Well, in the past our strategy has always been to present the British Isles in a flattering light. However, this approach is becoming less practical. Embellishment is one thing; out-and-out lies are quite another. Following the publication of the latest Rough Guide . . .
Derek means the new edition of the Rough Guide to Britain. You should all have a copy. In it you will find Britain described as a place “full of seedy tourist shops” where “squalid homelessness is the norm”, populated by “overweight and sex-obsessed TV addicts”. It also adds that Newcastle upon Tyne has the best nightlife. I think that was the point at which we decided to give up all pretence.
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Indeed. Anyway, we thought we’d take a leaf out of their book, as it were. From now on we will not mince our words. We will sell Britain, warts and all, for the clapped-out, over-priced, over-congested isle it is. Yes, Tracey?
But won’t that put people off coming here?
No, no. It’s counter-intuitive, see. Tourists will flock to our shores to see for themselves just how far this once great nation has fallen. And they will leave happy in the knowledge that, however dull or miserable life at home may be, at least they’re not living here. Now, who can think of some catchy reasons not to visit Britain?
Overpriced, substandard service?
Great, see, you’re getting the hang of it. Try something else.
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Um, terrible train service, road congestion, horrible weather, water shortages, binge drinking, the decline of the inner cities, overpriced hotels, knife crime, lawlessness in schools . . .
Go on Tracey. Tracey . . . are you all right?
Fine. Just wondering what Minsk is like this time of year.
Do say: Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
Don’t say: Caravan parks are very retro-chic, you know.