My two-year-old daughter fights constantly with her cousin of the same age, and we’ve had to trim her fingernails to stop her from scratching him. It’s starting to strain relations between me and my sister as well.
This is a phase many children this age go through. They are too young to appreciate that their actions cause pain. Be very firm and take your daughter away from the toys for a couple of minutes and say: “It’s wrong to scratch/fight/bite.” Don’t give her attention during this “time out” and don’t shout at her — even negative attention will reward her behaviour. Instead, offer your attention to her cousin. After a minute or two ask your daughter to help make her cousin better; hold a damp cloth on the scratch mark or sing him a song. This will help her to learn that her actions have hurt him. Some children dislike being restrained and a minute or two of firm “hugging” from behind each time can act as a strong deterrent.
Ros Jay,
mother, and author of Kids & Co Winning Business Tactics for Every Family (White Ladder Press)
At the age of 2, it is too early to expect your cousins to play nicely or even to share toys. It sounds as if things have taken a turn for the worse with the fighting, and I am afraid that you need to separate them and get them to play individually for a while. Ensure that they don’t get bored and change their toys, as and when required. This should hopefully reduce any fighting behaviour and also improve on your relationship with your sister.
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Henrik Kauffmann,
father, Buckinghamshire
If the children genuinely dislike each other, little can be done — it is uncommon but possible, but there is really no reason why all children should like one another. However, what is more likely is that they have developed a relationship in which your daughter has power and reinforces it physically. You could start to change it by offering a new activity and observing both children like a hawk. Intervene the minute you feel it might become physical with the suggestion of an alternative activity, and give copious praise whenever either child is kind/helpful/friendly to the other. This makes the friendly option much more attractive. And, of course, limit your daughter’s power to hurt — keep her nails trimmed and keep her away from things she might use as a weapon.
Ruth Coppard,
child psychologist, www.helpmehelpmychild.com
There is nothing more likely to upset the relationship between siblings than the behaviour of their offspring. My sister and I are extremely close yet fell out seriously over the way our children interacted — my niece wouldn’t leave my son alone, while he whinged incessantly and loudly about hating her. Each parent clearly thought the other’s child was at fault, and it got so fraught that for many months we avoided seeing each other. My sister offered the olive branch by calling to say that she knew her child could be a pain, and I then had to concede that mine was, too. You need to steel yourself, and try to talk to your sister about this, before the situation deteriorates. Remind her that at the age of 2, this is not the beginning of the end, but just a passing phase.
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