Dear Dr Ozzy
Why do men always want young girlfriends? Young people are boring: they don’t have interesting views to share or good stories to tell. Do men just think with their trousers?
Darla, Helsinki
The truth is, men have two brains: the one in their heads and the one in their Y-fronts.
The one nearer the floor usually wins; that’s why you see these guys walking around in LA with bald spots and pigtails.
In fact, a good friend of mine who’s 63 came to my house the other day in his sports car with some chick in the passenger seat who might as well have been his great-granddaughter. I said: “Where do you find these girls? Mothercare?” He just laughed it off. But I guarantee it won’t make him happy for long, ’cos one day they’ll be lying in bed and he’ll want to discuss Colonel Gadaffi and she’ll think he’s talking about the guy who invented fried chicken.
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Is it too morbid to plan your own funeral? Or is it a thoughtful gift for your surviving relatives, like when Peter Sellers asked for Glenn Miller’s In the Mood to be played during the service? (His final joke: everyone knew he hated the song.)
Macy, Kent
I honestly don’t care what they play at my funeral; they can put on a medley of Justin Bieber, Susan Boyle and We Are the Diddymen if it makes ’em happy — but I do want to make sure it’s a celebration, not a mope-fest. I’d also like some pranks: maybe the sound of knocking inside the coffin; or a video of me asking my doctor for a second opinion on his diagnosis of “death”. There’ll be no harping on the bad times. So to answer your question, yes, a bit of planning is the right thing to do for the family you leave behind. It’s worth remembering that a lot of people see nothing but misery their whole lives. So by any measure, most of us in this country — especially rock stars like me — are very lucky. That’s why I don’t want my funeral to be sad. I want it to be a time to say “thanks”.
I have a policy of not advising people on their love lives. But I suspect my friend ‘Bob’ (not his real name) might be having an extramarital affair with a neighbour, largely because he’s fixated with her breasts. If this was your mate, would you step in?
John, Aberdeen
No. Trust me on this one, stay away. It’s impossible to know all the facts in these situations, and you probably wouldn’t want to. And if he ever asks you to start covering for him, just say: “What you do is none of my business, don’t ever ask about this again. I don’t want to know.” Otherwise you’re putting your head in the lion’s den, and sooner or later two slobbering jaws are gonna come chomping down on your neck. The only time you’d have a justifiable reason to pipe up would be if someone was getting hurt, or if the situation became really horrendous, like he started bringing his bit-on-the-side to your house for dinner parties.
Is it just me, or is it impossible for men to make new friends when they’re married with kids, given that the pub is now out of bounds (or at least most of the time)?
Chaz, Isle of Wight
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That’s why they invented golf. And fishing. And allotment gardens. Any of these things let men get out of the house and socialise with each other without getting a stage-five bollocking the next day. If you don’t have the patience for that stuff — I certainly don’t — there ain’t many other options. And it’s not as if someone like me can go out for the occasional quiet pint. One whiff of the old devil’s brew and the next thing you know it’s 4am and I’m blasted to kingdom come. So for me the last refuge has always been the toilet. You might not make any new friends in there, but when the kids are rioting and the wife’s on your case, I highly recommend it as a way of taking a nice quiet break.
I was looking through my three-year-old son’s locker at nursery school the other day and discovered his best male friend — same age —had sent him a Valentine’s Day card. What’s more, the boy in question has two gay dads. I know we’re meant to be cool about this kind of thing, but I’m freaking out. Advice?
Eric, Derby
It sounds to me like your problem isn’t with the Valentine’s Day card — the kid’s three, so he ain’t got a clue what it means — but with the two gay dads. Would you be as freaked out if it were a boy with straight parents who’d sent it? Probably not. You might even think it was cute. So you need to sit down, remind yourself the world has changed in the past few years, and get over it.
Ozzy was talking to Chris Ayres
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Do you have a question for Dr Ozzy? Email him at askdrozzy@sunday-times.co.uk
Warning: Ozzy Osbourne is not a qualified medical professional. Caution is advised