The only impromptu event of the entire Nato summit began as a whisper just by the bunker on what I think is the 18th green of the Colin Montgomerie course at Celtic Manor.
“What’s going on?” I asked a small knot of cameramen who had coalesced around what appeared to be a small step. “The President of Ukraine is coming to say a few words,” I was told.
What? Outside? What joy! Since I was waiting for the Great David Cameron Press Conference — waiting is the main occupation at Nato summits — I joined the knot which, within minutes, had become a scrum, then a throng, then a crowd.
“You must give space!” cried his Ukrainian fixer. “This is the border!” He pointed at the step. The border? Don’t tell Putin, I thought, he’ll have to cross it.
Soon the muscle arrived. I knew that it was real when the sub-machinegun men advanced. Over at the water hazard, three men in a golf cart were either doing reconnaissance or, possibly, cleaning the pond. (It’s very hard to differentiate between spy-work and routine maintenance: this is another thing you learn at Nato summits.)
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The crowd was now a pulsating mass of cameras, notebooks, guns, iPhones, uniforms. I looked up and saw the Belgium Prime Minister, Elio Di Rupo, who has the floppy hair and bow tie of an art gallery owner, saunter by on the way to his press conference in the nearby tent village. He appeared to be more or less by himself. He was grinning from ear to ear. He seemed to be having a ball.
Finally, President Poroshenko arrived in a black car. His neck is like a tree stump. He strode, fearlessly, through the crowd. No one could hear him because there was no mike but, with Twitter, you don’t really need actual words.
Soon we all knew there was a ceasefire. It may be the only ceasefire that has been announced next to a bunker on a golf course.
We rushed to the tent to hear Dave. I always think that, at these events, Dave’s outline is so sharp that it could be drawn by a cartoonist. Yesterday, the quiff was hairsprayed into concrete. Dave said a great many words and sentences without many active verbs.
He welcomed the ceasefire, but said that he would welcome a peace plan more. I think he said that to sound tough. He claimed that President Putin needs the West more than we need him. I heard Vlad laugh, all the way over in Russia.
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The PM said that we were going to proceed “carefully and methodically” over Isis. These are not words to thrill: even though you know it’s all very sensible, it makes your heart sink. Basically he explained that we are going to implement a plan to implement a plan. (Brace!)
Then we all had to run over to Obama’s press conference (his room was eight times bigger than Dave’s). It is all about the Core Coalition now, it seems.
And no, that’s not a new Pilates exercise. It’s how we are going to win the global war on terror.
The basic message of the Celtic Manor summit? It can be summed up in one word: “FORE!”