Monday
Donald Trump
I have great love for Europe. Great people, great little place. Which is why I started this week with an interview with a pair of European newspapers. That intern The Times of London sent? Smart!
Steve Bannon
We’ve got to have tanks, I’m telling the chief. And missiles. With big frigging bows on them. That’s the kind of procession we’re after.
“I could drive the tank,” says Donald. “The best tank.”
“And soldiers!” I say. “Doing that march where their feet go really high? Only, not in their regular uniforms? Perhaps in black ones? At least the shirts?”
“No,” says Jared Kushner. “None of this. Especially not the last bit.”
Advertisement
“Or brown,” I say. “I’m not fussy.”
Vladimir Putin
In Kremlin. Am congratulating FSB chief on persuading Asset Trump to declare Nato obsolete.
“Again,” say FSB chief. “Am swearing. Not asset.”
“No, but really,” haff said.
Donald Trump
“So Donald,” says Kellyanne, who does my press. “There’s a problem about the Nato thing.”
Advertisement
Forget global stability, I tell her. Let’s talk about my inauguration concert. It’s going to get the best reviews. Only I’m wondering which A-listers have said yes.
“Still only Kanye West,” says Kellyanne.
“No,” I say. “Not Kanye. Stand him down. Great guy. The best. But he’s too . . . What’s the word? I normally have the best words. He’s just too . . .”
“I get it,” says Kellyanne.
Hillary Clinton
Donald Trump calls. I don’t know how he got my number. Probably the Russians.
Advertisement
He wants me to know that, even though his approval ratings are already terrible, mine would be worse.
“Your liberals,” he says. “So bitter. What more do they want? I just did an interview where I said Iraq was the greatest mistake this country ever made!”
“Maybe,” I suggest, “they feel they can think of another one?”
“Vietnam?” he says.
“I’m hanging up now,” I say.
Advertisement
Tuesday
Donald Trump
We’re navigating the Senate confirmation hearings of my cabinet. Also, we’re still sorting my inaugural concert. It’s a hassle. Bigly. Can’t wait until I’m actually president and can have a rest!
Ivanka Trump
“Listen,” I say to Donald Jr. “Have you seen Dad’s speech? He says he’s writing it himself. And I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
“It’ll be the best speech!” says Donald Jr. “So strong! The losers and haters will love it! And if they don’t? Sad!”
“I feel you’ve been speaking to him,” I say.
Nigel Farage
No, let me finish. None of this would be happening without the Bad Boys of Brexit. Which is why I’m flying to Washington with Arron Banks, and whoever that other guy is.
Advertisement
“Woah,” says Arron, checking his phone before we take off. “Trump has just attacked John Lewis. And I thought he was an anglophile?”
“No, no,” says the other guy. “This is a black John Lewis.”
“I don’t know that one,” I say. “Is it in Brixton?”
Donald Trump
“There’s a problem,” says Mike Pence, my future vice-president, “with this naked rodeo clown from Texas.”
“Ditch him,” I say. “I think we only want singers.”
“No, no,” says Pence. “He’s supposed to be the agriculture secretary.”
Vladimir Putin
“But Comrade,” am saying to FSB man, bewildered. “He’s attacking the UN now. Check again.”
Theresa May
Back in London, I’m running through my big Brexit speech with Philip Hammond. And he says there’s only one thing about it he doesn’t understand.
“Which is why,” he says, “you’re delivering it dressed as Rod Stewart?”
“Do you think I’m . . .” I begin.
“Please don’t,” says Philip.
Wednesday
Boris Johnson
I’ve been called into Downing Street to see Fiona and Nick, who are Theresa’s scary henchmen.
“Cripes!” I say. “Obviously I wasn’t really suggesting that Johnny Frenchman was a Nazi and about to administer a punishment beating! I mean, who would do that?”
Fiona glances at Nick, who is holding a cricket bat.
“Lock the door,” she says.
Barack Obama
In the White House. Joe Biden is stuffing prawns inside all the curtain rails. They won’t find them for months, he says. Maybe never. Then he asks if it’s time for him to do that interview telling everybody I actually am a Muslim.
“No Joe,” I say, firmly. “Because I truly believe our country can heal.”
“Inshallah,” agrees Joe.
Vladimir Putin
Enough smearing of Russia. Haff again denied existence of Russian programme of kompromat, designed to embarrass foreign politicians. It’s not like we haff kept on file photo of Theresa May’s outfit from Tuesday, for example.
Kellyanne Conway
The singer in the Bruce Springsteen impersonator band we’ve booked for tomorrow’s concert calls me to say they don’t want to do it.
“Right,” I say, “but do you actually mean that? Or are you just impersonating Bruce Springsteen?”
“Both,” he says.
Thursday
The former president of Gambia
I am refusing to step down, despite the end of my term. Screw your election.
Michelle Obama
“Honey?” I say, “have you heard about the Gambia thing?”
Jeremy Corbyn
Labour MPs are going to oppose the government by supporting it on triggering Article 50. Yes, it does make sense.
Donald Trump
“This is the Lincoln Memorial,” I explain to Melania, on the way to the concert. “We own it now. Really super. Might change the face.”
Melania Trump
Had always believed American pop music more professional than Slovenian pop music. But no.
Jon Voight
I don’t speak to Angelina much any more. Can’t explain it.
Jeremy Corbyn
What I mean was, Labour MPs will support Article 50 if they want to. But not if they don’t. Although I’ll tell them to. Although I might not, either. Stop harassing me.
Nigel Farage
No, let me finish. We’re at the Bad Boys of Brexit party in Washington! Although it’s rather quiet.
“Do you think he’ll come?” says Arron, who is looking anxious.
“Of course he’ll come,” I say. “What sort of person would go to a massive ball in their own honour when they could be here, drinking warm beer and eating fish canapés with us?”
“Maybe I didn’t spend enough money,” says Arron.
Piers Morgan
I’m on Question Time. That’s literally the only reason I’m not in Washington, because I was totally invited. We’re really good friends. Maybe I didn’t mention.
Jeremy Corbyn
Actually I’m not sure anybody is really listening.
Friday
Donald Trump
The big day. We started with breakfast. The best breakfast. That weird Brit Nigel Farage wanted to come and make it. “Let me finish!” he said. “They call me Mr Breakfast!” Limey freak. What the hell’s a kipper? He comes near me again, he’s getting shot. Then we met with the Obamas.
Barack Obama
“Donald,” I say, solemnly. “I have left you a letter in my desk. As is traditional. I hope you find it interesting. It’s my Kenyan birth certificate.”
“What?” says Trump.
“Just kidding,” I say. Then I tell him I wish him all the best, and there’s no hard feelings about all that Kenyan, Muslim stuff, and that maybe our nation really can heal.
“So much winning,” says Trump. “So much.”
“Inshallah,” I say.
“What?” says Trump.
Hillary Clinton
I’m so glad it’s raining.
Kellyanne Conway
The president-elect says it’s not raining and I think we should take his word for it.
The Supreme Court chief justice
“So you’ll put your hand on the Lincoln Bible?” I say.
“Have you washed it?” says Trump. Then he says he’ll be swearing on his own Bible, too.
“Why?” I say.
“It’s smaller,” he says.
Donald Trump
American carnage! America first and also last but mainly first. We stand at the birth of a lewd millennium. We’re going to discover space! The forgotten people will not be forgotten except for the people I’ve forgotten. Now arrives the hour of action. Maybe two hours, some days. I will fight for you with every breath in my body and every hair on my head. I’m going to build tunnels and a wall, but not tunnels under the wall. Winning like never before.
Steve Bannon
No, we haven’t already discovered space. That was a hoax. Read the internet.
Jared Kushner
I’m still a good person, right?
Melania Trump
Have I left the iron on?
Donald Trump
And then we’re whisked away by the Secret Service. Who are not, by the way, the secretest. I’d be way more secret than that.
“Dad,” says Barron. “That was all really boring.”
“Tell me about it!” I say. “Just sitting there. I haven’t tweeted in, like, ten whole hours.”
“Here’s an idea,” says Ivanka. “Maybe we could do it every day?”
*according to Hugo Rifkind