Monday
Unknown Number Hi guys! Been ages. Fancy a coffee?
Penny Mordaunt Anybody know who that is?
Grant Shapps Nope.
Oliver Dowden Well. You all know the new rules. Whoever it is, nobody send them a picture of their crotch.
Unknown Number It’s me! It’s Liz Truss! I’ve got a new phone!
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Oliver Dowden I mean, unless you really want to.
Jacob Rees-Mogg HOW DOES ONE TELEGRAM A PICTURE ANYWAY STOP
Rishi Sunak Reminds me. None of you replied to that picture I sent yesterday.
Penny Mordaunt I think we were all just a bit surprised. None of us thought you were the type.
Kemi Badenoch I thought it was disgusting and pathetic and immediately deleted it. Nobody wants to see that.
Rishi Sunak But it was only me in my new trainers.
Jacob Rees-Mogg WHAT ARE TRAINERS STOP
Unknown Number Anyway! I’m just getting in touch about my new book!
Oliver Dowden Actually it does sound like her. But is anybody still worried she might be a dangerous fraud?
Penny Mordaunt What do you mean ‘might be’?
Tuesday
Andrea Jenkyns As a muther I wish it 2 b nown that the hunnytrapper have tryed to hunnytrap me 2 by saying I was luvly.
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Andrea Jenkyns I immediately reported it. Bcoz litrally nobody has dun that b4.
Oliver Dowden She’s right to be careful. All this honeytrap stuff should remind us that people who turn up on our phones might not be who they say they are.
William Wragg Look, I really am sorry about all this.
Jeremy Hunt Thank you, William.
Gillian Keegan If it’s really even him?
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William Wragg No, it is. I swear.
William Wragg Look, I’ll send you a photo.
Jeremy Hunt For God’s sake, don’t.
Wednesday
Rishi Sunak Forget the honeytrap stuff. I’m much more worried that Reform UK are only a few per cent behind us in the polls.
Oliver Dowden It’s bizarre. They’re just a name. They’ve got no people.
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Rishi Sunak Maybe we’d be doing better with no people?
Kemi Badenoch I feel we need a maximum of one person.
Rishi Sunak Just me?
Kemi Badenoch Don’t be ridiculous.
David Cameron Anyway, Reform UK did have some people. But this week they’ve been sacking them all for being racist, homophobic or inactive.
Suella Braverman So they’ve got to be active without being racist or homophobic?
David Cameron Yup.
Suella Braverman Hell of a tightrope to walk.
Thursday
Rishi Sunak Guys, I also wanted to spell out our position on this protest outside Keir Starmer’s house. Short version: we condemn it.
Jeremy Hunt Are we sure it’s his house? Hard to tell with Labour these days!
Michael Gove That’s very funny.
Jeremy Hunt Thank you.
Michael Gove But don’t you own about seven houses?
Jeremy Hunt Shut up.
Rishi Sunak I also think now is a good time to reiterate the Conservative view that people are either men or women and you can’t just change.
William Wragg In my defence, you can’t know from a WhatsApp though.
Andrea Jenkyns Can’t beleef U just let him resign. He should have been one of those wot is sacked for letting down Ingland.
Oliver Dowden Hey, wait, are we sure that’s really Andrea Jenkyns?
David Cameron Don’t be ridiculous, Oliver. Of course it f***ing is.
Friday
Michael Gove I don’t mean to alarm anyone, but there’s lots of news in the paper today about a Boris Johnson comeback.
Penny Mordaunt Ugh. I still haven’t forgotten that photograph of him wearing only a shirt and his underpants.
Oliver Dowden Okay, he definitely shouldn’t have sent you that.
Penny Mordaunt No, no, it was in the paper. He was going jogging.
David Cameron Actually, I heard from Boris just the other day. He’s got a new phone, too, and he wants me to invest in a new cryptocurrency venture in Nigeria.
Rishi Sunak Hmmm.
Jeremy Hunt I mean, that is wholly plausible.
Michael Green Guys, no! Have you learnt nothing? Surely this week has taught us that we have to be deeply wary about WhatsApps, because the world is full of frauds and con-artists!
David Cameron Wait, who the hell is Michael Green?
Grant Shapps Sorry. My bad. I was using the wrong phone.
*according to Hugo Rifkind
