IT WAS not the usual start to university. Clare arrived with her mother at her halls of residence in Edinburgh and together they unpacked her few belongings to make the bare unwelcoming room her own.
After a couple of hours her mother went to the student bar to chat to other bewildered newcomers. So concerned was she that Clare settled in and made friends that she stayed a week, went to the same parties and made her daughter sleep on the floor.
Clare, now in her midthirties, still laughs at the memory. Her mother’s love was so strong that she could not cut the apron strings, let alone allow her to make friends on her own.
It is an extreme example. But parents now are more involved than ever in their children’s lives as students and in their choice of university. As school-leavers face top-up fees for the first time, parents are also weighing up the value of a degree.
It is a stressful time for everybody. On the one hand, you are finally going to be able to enjoy more free time rather than chasing after your offspring to do their A-level revision; on the other hand, they are keen to flee the nest. But both of you are anxious about the realities of the adult world.
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The temptation for parents is to dole out advice on the basis of rose-tinted memories of university life 25 years ago. In their day students competed to drink away their grants in the first term, a 2:2 was a respectable degree and the university’s reputation mattered more than the course.
Things have changed, however. For a start, students appear to drink less these days, which should be a comfort, but a 2:1 is also a prerequisite for most top firms.
Ucas has produced a guide to help to direct parents through responsibilities such as when to step in and give advice and when to keep your own counsel. You can register with ucas.com/parents and receive quarterly e-mail bulletins offering articles, an excellent guide and advice about almost anything you need to know.
While you may have shown enormous enthusiasm for Durham University because it was an hour from home, your cherished son or daughter may well have rejected it on that basis alone.
So if they are now heading to Southampton to spread their wings, it is important to be equally supportive. They may well be irritable and anxious as they head off to Ikea in search of a bedside light and bed linen and may not immediately appreciate the parental checklist, but they will later. If they will not accept yours, they can be offered guides such as The Student Life Handbook by Christine Fanthome.
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Another way that parents can help is by giving tips about how to budget. One idea is to urge your offspring to put most of their student loan, grant or bursary into a high-earning account and the rest into a current account. This may be easier said than done, however.
It may also be the first time that your son or daughter has had to cook for themselves. Students cannot live on salad alone and even if they choose to go to catered halls initially, it is a good time to teach them how to make spaghetti bolognese as well as a cheese sauce. Parents should never overestimate their offspring’s knowledge. I knew a student who thought that boiling potatoes involved placing them peeled in a pan on the hob, without water.
By now your child will, hopefully, have chosen the course that he or she wants to do — not the one you wish you had studied at university or think employers may most favour. Together you will also have worked out which grants and maintenance allowances they are entitled to claim.
If, like thousands of others, their A-level results are not as high as predicted and they are desperately searching for new courses, your task is that much harder.
With tissues and sympathy, you will seek to give comfort but, before jumping for the first place that will take them, sit down together and consider the alternatives.
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If retakes are out of the question, they must be quick to make their next choice. Universities like to hear from the potential student, so you should not make the mistake of taking over and making the calls for them.
Overdoing the advice can mean that you spoil the last few days with your children before they head off to university. If they are not listening, you may want to point them to useful internet sites for the future, such as missyourmum.com, where they can find advice and numbers for everything from BT to family planning.
Above all, parents should be supportive. The first few weeks at university can be daunting. There is pressure on all freshers to enjoy themselves, although most graduates know that the friends in their first two weeks are rarely lifelong.
If they hate their course, advise them to see their tutor so they can change, but it must be within the first few weeks. Should they become lonely or depressed, tell them to call home or let them know about the student welfare and support website nightline.niss.ac.uk or the Samaritans.
Best of all, encourage them to speak to other new students or seek out a friendly face in the union, because a problem shared is a problem halved and many will be in the same boat.