Oh! The trials of the modern romantic

However, would the death of chivalry really be such a good thing? No, these days men in armour do not turn up on the doorsteps of women offering protection, undying love and a ride on the back of their charging steed to work. Yet I see small signs of chivalry in action most days: men offering women their seats on the Tube (OK, usually women who are pregnant or mature); a man lugging heavy baggage or a pram up or down some stairs for a stranger. And I’ve noticed a big change in attitudes — women, on the whole, don’t give you a dirty look if you open a door for them. They see it as old-world politeness and not the power play of patriarchy.

Defenders of chivalry claim that it benefits women. I think it does, or would if it were practised more: chivalry is at heart just good manners. More importantly, chivalry is good for men — particularly young men. It teaches them self-control, service to others and respect for women. That’s what a modern iteration of a knight in shining armour should aim for.

Young men growing up in an age of instant pornography, the ubiquity of sexism (from rap lyrics to lewd comments on the street) and the growing narcissism of modern life need a code to live by that acts as an antidote to these trends. We want thoughtful and sensitive young men whose sense of masculinity is expressed in service to others.

We assume that chivalry is something exclusively practised by men on behalf of women. But those days are over. A modern form of chivalry is something both men and women should embrace: imagine if in our daily conduct we treated each other with more courtesy and kindness. What an improvement to the quality of our lives that would be.

I’m no damsel in distress — Hannah Betts
In breaking news that does not exactly constitute breaking news, three quarters of women believe that chivalry is dead. Which prompts the question: what planet are the other 25 per cent living on?

In a survey by the dating site Match.com, women have said that, while they no longer expect old-school gentlemanly gestures such as men helping them to put their coats on, they would like them to be in regular contact, to be keen to meet their friends and to not “ghost”, “breadcrumb”, “bench”, or any other modish term for behaving like a dick.

However, these modern means of gallantry appear as lacking as jousting and the laying of cloaks over puddles. “Is chivalry dead?” these distraught maidens cry. Answer: “Of course it bloody is — and not before time.”

At the age of 11, I took the leading role in my school’s staging of an Arthurian romance, and, boy, did I enjoy myself, not least for the dress with floor-length triangular sleeves so fetchingly shown off when hand clasping. I did a lot of hand clasping. For that was all I could do — the boys were in charge of the action. And that is where my romance with chivalry ended: no frock can make up for a life of bleating servitude repackaged as female empowerment.

Chivalry was always a fiction, a 12th-century literary vogue that spiralled out of hand. At the same time, chivalry was always a lie — and a pernicious one at that. In its tales of derring-do and courtly love, it posited that knights would go about doing noble deeds to win their lady’s love, said lady being pure of body and soul, although obviously smoking hot.

In practice — narrative as in life — it meant putting one woman on a pedestal, another in the pit; revering one, abhorring another. Either way, the woman got a raw deal. She was a passive object traded between menfolk as a means of establishing their kinship.

For evidence, one need look no farther than the television series Game of Thrones, and its Dungeons and Dragons-style playing out of the Wars of the Roses. Its women may finally be biting back, but up to now it has been six seasons of misery.

Sansa Stark was granted her ambition to become a chivalric lady and discovered it meant rape, humiliation and a life of constant terror. Her sister emerged unscathed only by pretending to be a boy. For all her supreme pedestal status, even the Mother of Dragons was talking about being raped, traded and generally subjugated in last week’s episode (although, I’ll admit, Ser Jorah Mormant’s knightly devotion does still make me swoon).

There’s a reason why chivalry boasts so many damsels in distress and that’s because it’s distressing. Equality and chivalry are unable to coexist. If you want to be treated like an adult, you can’t endorse a code of conduct that renders you a beguiling child.

The suffragettes saw this, regarding the Victorian chivalric revival with the contempt it deserved — as a means of being condescended to, dressed up in fancier pants. Only with the First World War did the old lie finally bite the dust, when millions of gallant boys perished and the myth of chivalry with it.

So manners — yes, please, obviously. There is nothing more appealing in man, woman or child. I’ll hold the door open for you and you can hold it open for me. I’ll help you on with your jacket and you can help me on with mine. But don’t confuse this with some antiquated value system designed to put me back in my box.

How chivalrous are you? Take the test
By Harry Wallop

1 On a Tube, you spot a woman old enough to be in possession of a free travel card. What do you do?
a) You are too absorbed in a rerun of Family Guy on your iPad to notice the other passengers.
b) Shout across, “You look like you could do with a seat, luv. Do you want this one?” and remain seated.
c) Catch her eye, quietly stand up and say: “Please, have my seat.”

2 On a Tube, you spot a beautiful woman who you’d very much like to ask out on a date. Do you:
a) Wish that you had the guts to say something, then go back to Family Guy.
b) Offer her a seat, saying: “That seat deserves a more beautiful arse than mine sitting on it.”
c) Don’t offer her a seat. That would be patronising. As you exit, slip her your number scribbled on a page torn from your book of modern Italian poetry. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

3 You’re on a first date with the woman of your dreams (whom you met on the Tube). The bill arrives. Do you:
a) Say: “We’re going Dutch, right?”
b) Realise you’ve suddenly forgotten your wallet, and say: “Sorry, I can make it up to you later, if you come back to my flat . . .”
c) Say: “Can I pay for this? You can always pay for the next meal.”

4 You’re going on a third date (I know!), off to a party. She asks you what you think of the dress she’s wearing. Do you reply:
a) “Yeah, looks great. Er, we need to hurry up or we’ll be late.
b) “Don’t worry, your bum doesn’t look big at all,” then laugh uproariously at your own bantz.
c) “You look amazing. I think that shade of canary yellow Zara has been using this season really accentuates your incredible complexion.”

5 At a railway station, a mother with a toddler in a buggy is attempting to get down some stairs. Do you:
a) Stride past — you have a train to catch, after all.
b) Offer a steely glare and tell her: “He looks old enough to be walking down those steps on his own. Don’t let him push you around.”
c) Grasp the bottom bar of the vehicle, flash a smile, and say: “These stairs are a nightmare, aren’t they?”

6 Your girlfriend (remarkably, she’s moved in with you) is going on a work trip abroad, leaving early. Do you:
a) Roll over, kiss her goodbye and go back to sleep.
b) Text her saying, “Soz. Forgot you were going abroad” when you wake up, adding the final flourishes of the sad face emoji, followed by the plane.
c) Insist on taking her to the airport, quoting When Harry Met Sally. When she quotes Harry Burns back to you, propose on the spot.

Mostly As
You a modern, busy man. You are not rude as such, but perhaps you should sometimes ask yourself: “What would my mother say if she could see me now?”

Mostly Bs
You are an unreconstructed prat. Which, in some ways, is admirable. Modern gallants can only get away with their ever-so-slightly creepy behaviour because they look so good in comparison.

Mostly Cs
You are the embodiment of 21st-century gallantry, carefully treading that thin line between being a lech and a knight in shining armour. Remember, however, not all ladies will appreciate having poetry recited to them late at night.