AM I the only person in the country who has, by dignified design, not watched a single second of Celebrity Big Brother? There must be other conscientious objectors. Although the fate of those of us who lead this silent rebellion is not pleasant. We are doomed to wholesale exclusion from the national conversation.
Resistance is not so impossible as to be futile, but it is a major test of character. When all eyes are turned in one direction, it is not easy to look the other way. Few stand firm, many succumb. Last week the Speaker of the Commons, Michael Martin, revealed that he too had been seduced by the number four on his remote control: “I do watch Big Brother,” he said. “I saw the one about the cat.”
The resolutely Brother-blind among us must resign ourselves to dampening the enthusiasm of others, batting away their camaraderie and answering their breathless, puppy-like entreaties (“Did you see? Did you see? Last night!” they squeal) with a conversation-stopping negative. No, I have not seen the cat. Nor the monkey coat. Nor the Dracula costume.
They — the fans — blink and gulp. How can this be? Don’t I know what I’m missing? It’s not too late, you know. The final isn’t until Friday. I listen patiently, nod sagely and perfect my Yoda face. Nothing have I seen. Nothing will I see. And look: happy and well-balanced I am. The one thing that cracks my wise composure, though, is everyone’s frustration with their pet addiction. Annoying, cringeworthy, repulsive — these are the adjectives people who love the programme use to describe it. Big Brother viewers are for ever complaining that it’s obvious the celebrities are only in it “to revive their flagging careers” (I wish I could copyright this phrase, rich I would be). It’s pathetic, they scoff, the housemates are sad, desperate, tragic.
Well, hello. These people are actors, entertainers, models, politicians or wannabe combinations of all of the above. Their job, their raison d’être, their livelihood, is to be seen, to be heard, to be noticed. If you don’t like it, do the one thing they would hate most: ignore them. You have not been drugged, you are not watching under duress. You have chosen this programme, it has not chosen you. There is a way out.
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Big Brother faithful, hear me now: recover your integrity and reclaim your life. You still have four days to find the off switch.