If you had a bottle of Absolut vodka and left it out all night in the Highlands in this current cold snap, how long would it take to freeze? Longer than it would take to be borrowed by a thirsty Scot. Vodka at 40%, which is Absolut's strength, freezes at -28C. The coldest it has got in Britain recently is -22C. And what about removing ice from windscreens? Being so full of alcohol, spirits are good at that, too. Vodka, as Radio 4's Today told us last week, has been used for this purpose in Russia.
Absolut Vodka, however, has other things on its mind at present. From its base in Stockholm, it has unleashed a legal assault on Absolute Radio, the 24-hour national rock station (on whose Christian O'Connell breakfast show David Cameron famously used a word The Sunday Times avoids printing). Launched as Virgin Radio by Richard Branson in 1993, the station changed its name to Absolute when it was sold to The Times of India in 2008.
Within days of the name change, the Swedish company issued proceedings for trademark infringement, and later filed a lawsuit. Evidence is due to be exchanged by the end of this month. Absolut will then have to produce whatever evidence it has that people have been confused into thinking that the vodka brand had bought the radio station, or that some tie-up existed between them. The case is scheduled for trial at the end of April in the High Court.
I originally thought Absolut's objection to Absolute was a joke, or a PR stunt aimed at drumming up publicity for a station beset by poor ratings. Not so. Absolut, now part of the French drinks giant Pernod-Ricard, has hired McDermott Will & Emery - one of America's and the world's biggest law firms. On the other side is Olswang, a leading media and entertainment practice.
The defence is being led by Paul Stevens, co-head of the intellectual property division, who acted for eBay when it won an important case brought by L'Oréal recently. I should declare an interest: following neutral comments about the name change at the time, I have signed a witness statement for Olswang at their request, confirming that "the change of name has not resulted in my changing my radio-listening habits or alcohol-buying habits".
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Significantly, Absolut has registered its name as a trademark not only for drinks, but for cultural activities and downloadable promotions. It argues that while "Absolut" and "Absolute" may be spelt differently, the way they are pronounced is identical - of some relevance, perhaps, in the context of radio. It also says that "cultural activities" covers broadcasting, which the radio station contests. "By bringing this action, we seek to protect our rights in the Absolut and Absolut Tracks trademarks against confusion, dilution, tarnishment and unfair advantage," Absolut's Paula Eriksson said in Stockholm. "We also claim passing off. Absolut has, over 30 years, established itself as an iconic brand through one of the most celebrated campaigns in history in the field of art, fashion and music."
In Bournemouth, they are watching developments with special interest. Some years ago, NRG, a dance-music station, got into trouble with a French radio station called NRJ (pronounced the same). Eventually, it had to change its name to Fire FM. Silly it may be, but it all helps to pay the lawyers' central-heating bills in these chilly times.