I am confused. Obviously, it’s nice if a man can rustle you up some asparagus spears, but better than sex? Are there really people out there who would rather sit down to a lamb tagine than mess around under the duvet for the same amount of time (that’s including preparation)? Besides being confused, I’m worried, because the last thing we need is men thinking that their culinary skills are the measure of their sex appeal. They have already taken over in the kitchen — and talk like this is only going to make matters worse.
This is not to say that men cook all the time, but that they enjoy regular bouts of display cooking, with a lot of emphasis on tip-top ingredients and special equipment. There isn’t a kitchen in the country now that doesn’t have a griddle (inevitably, crucial to the Oliver recipe) on which the man of the house chars away with the same enthusiasm he brings to barbecuing. Pestles and mortars the size of baptismal fonts are a male speciality, as are those giant, stainless-steel risotto pans. I think you know what I’m talking about. When men cook, everything else stops.
Money is no object, mess uncontainable, short cuts unthinkable. It is no longer about feeding people, or their convenience, but about the act of creation. If the duck thing isn’t going to be edible until 11pm, then so be it. If they forget the basil garnish, everything is put on hold until they have made the trip to the late-night grocery store. Men do not need any more encouragement in this area.
In fact, I would argue that having a wannabe Jean-Christophe Novelli in the house is positively detrimental to your sex life. Apart from all the time-consuming, stress-inducing flapping around with bains-marie and loitering by the oven staring through the glass, they inevitably turn into kitchen kaisers and start policing every little thing you do. Suddenly, you can’t be trusted with the salad dressing (they will corral the ingredients for you, lest you try and make it with the wrong balsamic); your way of shredding the mozzarella isn’t quite chunky and Olivery enough, and so on.
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Women might like to be cooked for, but being treated like a klutz in the kitchen and getting your wrist slapped is a top turn-off. The other day, Gordon Ramsay’s wife commented that sex takes a second place to food in their lives — well, no surprise there. Greedy girls, you have been warned.